And I Say, “It’s All Right”

Dearest Rachel –

Well, after two whole days of barely acknowledging us, it seems that the sun is back, and it’s nice to see him.

Even if he is in my face in either direction that I walk. Not that that’s a complaint I’m ever going to take up with my grandchildren:

“You kids have it so soft these days. Back in my day, I walked three miles to the office and back, and I had the sun in my face both ways!”

“Yeah, sure, Grandpop. And I’ll bet Auntie Erin could run that distance and back in the time it took you to do that, too.”

Gosh, my imaginary grandkids are snarkier than me. Should I be proud, or insulted?

But it is a pleasant fall day, a good time for a walk. Enough to break into a light sweat, but not so much as to be uncomfortable. Chilly enough for a sweatshirt, but not so much that I need a jacket.

However, it is chilly enough that even the statues are wearing blankets.

It’s supposedly Daniel’s favorite time of the year; only he never goes outside in it – at least, not during the day. He still goes on those night patrols throughout the neighborhood at about midnight, so I probably shouldn’t criticize his inactivity during the day. Still, it’s a little odd.

Meanwhile, we’ve come to the definitive end of your favorite season…

That’s right, the park district has closed and drained all the outdoor swimming pools. I’d point out that your park district membership card allows you to use the indoor pools (one of which is nearer to our house than this one), but it’s rather a moot point now, isn’t it?

So, autumn is upon us, and it almost feels like a good day. Am I allowed to have a good day, or is it too soon? Last night’s Grief Share addressed the topics of guilt, regret and anger. And while I don’t have any regrets or anger – there was nothing that went unsaid between two of us, and there was nothing I could’ve done to have prevented what happened – I certainly get the idea of feeling guilty about having a pleasant day.

Even though there’s nothing I can do to bring you back – and you wouldn’t want to come back even if I could – the idea of ‘moving on’ is a tricky one. We are advised not to make rash, snap decisions amidst our grief; when I talk about my ‘adventures’ in online dating, several of the others seem to think I’m going about this too soon. For my part, I’m of the understanding that it would take me at least a year to turn a friendship into something more (even if it’s true that the women I meet on this site are already looking for something more, which right there makes this situation different from ours), so I might as well get started making those kind of friendships.

But even then, I’m getting ahead of myself right now. Today was just a pleasant day, where I got a few small things done, checked out a virtual vacation (which turned out to be little more than a twenty-minute advert for a ship we’d already been on), and enjoyed a brisk walk through town during both the morning and the afternoon. Why should I feel the need to apologize for that?

Or is it the fact that, rerun notwithstanding, I did send an email to Michelle at the travel agency, trying to get myself set up for a snap vacation after the Thanksgiving holidays are over. This is something we would’ve never been able to do back in the day, but would have jumped at the chance once everything opened up. But the fact that I’m doing it on my own… is that so wrong? I can’t take Daniel with, because of the rules and his defiance. And I can’t really take anyone else, either, due to work schedules or the appearance of impropriety. So I’m considering just going on my own. At least it could serve as a proof of concept; can I actually enjoy myself on my own? Can I connect with others while I’m out on my own? It’s a tightrope without a net or harness… and I’m almost looking forward to it.

Hopefully, it will be all right. Until then, honey, wish me luck. As usual, I’m going to need it.

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I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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