Dearest Rachel –
I know how pointless it is to do so, but I can’t help considering the whys and wherefores behind your departure. Now, I know full well that it may just be a case of “things happen,” like Jesus’ reference to the tower of Siloam. And yet, it’s human nature to try and find the purpose behind any event, good or bad (although mostly the bad – we tend to just enjoy the good events, without thinking too much about them).
It occurs to me that it may be possible that my life – my heart – was focused too much on you, rather than on Him. With that in mind, maybe one of the points of losing is for my mind to dwell more upon him.
To be honest, I’m hoping that I’m wrong about that assessment, because it seems to have backfired on God. Once upon a time, I would sit by the bedside computer and read scripture (which I still do, by the way) and then talk to Him in the shower as I prepared for the day. Why, I even got rid of that waterproof radio (because I used to listen to the news in the shower before being challenged to do otherwise), so that there would be no distractions while I tried to pray.
However, these days I’m as likely as not to stand there with the water cascading on me, as I try and put together another letter to you. So, not only have these circumstances not focused me more upon Him, it’s actually pointed my focus more towards you than it had been. So there’s irony for you.
Oh, yeah, and there’s the fact with the dog always starts barking halfway through my shower. So that’s a brand new distraction. You’d think it would cause me to hurry through my morning ablutions, but no… some things can’t be hurried. After all, the water pouring down on me is what I use in lieu of coffee to wake myself up in the morning, so that’s going to take however long it’s going to take. My body will wake up when it’s ready, and not a moment sooner.
I do hope it doesn’t sound like I’m whining or complaining. I don’t want to sound like I’m upset with God for what’s happened. In fact, I acknowledge that there have been some good things that have come out of this. It’s just that… there’s so much to put together, to let you know about, to remind myself about you. And I have to deal with it as it comes up, or I wind up losing it. Even now, since I’ve left off with this letter I started this morning, and as I’m trying to add to it in the afternoon, I’ve lost track of where I was. Not just in the letter itself, but my mental state then as opposed to now. So I can tell that my letter to you will come out disjointed and disorganized.
Some of this – in fact, a lot of this – is beyond my ability to control. I have work that needs to be done, data that needs to be sent to the guys at church before I head out for a long weekend, that sort of thing. And I wind up setting you aside while I deal with the more urgent matters. Kind of like what I realize I’ve been doing with my communication with God.
So how do I fix this? Well, the obvious answer would be to recommit to setting aside that time, and taking it. Don’t worry about what I’m going to say to you when I step out of the shower, just stay in the moment, and commune with Him.
But as with so many other things, it’s easier said than done; even closing my eyes to remove visual distractions sets my mind to building scenes in my head – oh, but we’re I only as good an artist as my mind’s eye was! It’s almost as if I’m deliberately sabotaging myself.
Mind you, none of this is meant as an excuse. This needs to be done, and I’ve just got to do it.
I just don’t know quite how.