from Rachel: Lacking Nothing

“‘The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.’ Psalm 23:1 (most accurate translation for the Hebrew phrase)

“Surviving attempted takeovers by the enemy: Colossians 2:8 ‘See to it that no one takes you captive.’ [We have an] active responsibility to protect ourselves.

“Who is the authority in my life?”

Is it My Life in the center, surrounded by things like God, money, career, health, education and family?

Or is it My Life In Christ, from which flow those other things( money, career, health, education and family – God already being at the center)?

“‘Kingdom life was never intended to be a balanced life’

“Why does this matter to God? When we feel we lack something, we are vulnerable.

“‘Fear of missing out breeds chaos in the soul’

“Colossians 3:2 ‘Set your mind on things above…'”

Dearest Rachel –

It’s now been four months since the accident. And because this is the first time that the 23rd of the month has fallen on a Sunday, it’s the first time I’ve given you a voice on the anniversary.

Considering that Daniel and I are preparing to head off to see Kevin shortly, it’s actually kind of appropriate that these sermon notes are from Kevin’s church rather than ours.

But perhaps the most appropriate part of these notes is the fact that I am having to admit that I’m struggling with this exact thing.

I thing is, I don’t have to feel that I am lacking something. I am lacking something. Or rather, someone.

I’ve always been told that it was unhealthy for someone to say to their partner “you complete me,” as if they would be incomplete without them. Each of us is supposed to be a complete person on our own. But right now, I feel incomplete.

I’ve mentioned the proverb before about how “when a man finds a wife… it means the Lord is pleased with him.” And yet I can’t help but keep wondering if the Lord is no longer pleased with me. I don’t even know how to ask Him if that’s the case because it seems like a ridiculous question. Why would He suddenly be displeased with me?

And at the same time, I’m supposed to believe Him when He says “My grace is sufficient for you.” I shouldn’t need you – or anyone else – in order to live my life for him. And the fact that, at this moment, I don’t feel functional without you by my side, is some sort of failing on my part. Because I’m relying on something other than God to fulfill me.

And yet, it seems like it should be only natural that I should feel like something’s lacking within me. After all, I’ve been with you for over twenty-eight years, so of course I should feel a sense of loss with you gone. But I keep going back and forth between these two opposing thoughts. Am I weak for feeling like I’m lacking something? Would it be heartless of me to simply pick up and move forward immediately? I don’t think I see any right answer in all of this.

And of course, I have no real choice but to move forward, as time – as I perceive it – flows in only one direction, and I have to move in that direction. But I’m not gonna lie, I’m still struggling to call myself like a satisfied sheep in the Shepherd’s hand.

Lord, help me.

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I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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