Failed Resolve

Dearest Rachel –

One of these days, there will be a morning without hiccups.

This was not one of those days.

I know that, if one intends to run, one should do so early in the morning. That’s hard to balance against a dog that doesn’t fall asleep for several hours after being out for the last time at 11 at night. Even the Gabropentin doesn’t induce the ‘profound sedation’ they warn (advertise? I’d consider it a selling point at this juncture) about on the label. To be fair, he had slept for quite a few hours during the afternoon and evening, but I hardly tried to do likewise – and when I did try, nothing really came of it.

On the other hand, it isn’t that I didn’t wake up early. I did, because he did. Yeah, like I said, ‘profound sedation’ is definitely overstating things. So one could argue I was up in time to work out.

Except, no. Once the dog is awake, you can’t leave him alone. Sooner or later, he’s going to be discontented with where he is – and the fact that he can’t get where he wants to be because his back legs are irretrievably crossed is a source of endless frustration (and probably discomfort) for him. So I’ve got to be there to set things as right as I know how before he starts barking and waking Daniel up.

All of which wouldn’t be a big deal. After all, I’d resolved to simply alternately walk and run to the folks’ place as best I could, which would force me to do likewise on the way home. So really, running early in the morning wouldn’t necessarily have to be my commitment – I’d just lock myself into having to do so by just leaving the house for ‘the office.’

I did step out briefly after ‘walking’ and feeding the old boy, driving to the local grocery/pharmacy for some low-dose aspirin (my doctor recommended I take them for my heart, along with my blood-pressure medication, and I just ran out on Saturday) and some strudel bites for Daniel (he hasn’t been willing to do McDonald’s since you left us, but when one of the folks’ neighbors brought a box of them over to us as a condolence care package, he’s gotten somewhat addicted to them, so I get them as often as I can. I can’t always connect with him like I think I ought to, but I hope that by bringing these to him, he can understand that I love him and want to do right by him, too). The radio was talking about falling temperatures today… and rain.

And at that point, my resolve began to weaken. Note that at that point, it was not raining. It was just the threat of it that was causing me to balk.

But after bringing Daniel his breakfast – and having a bagel for my own – and heading to go out, the sky was already spitting on me. That was it; my resolve completely failed.

I made sure it wasn’t a complete washout, though. You had stored some eight bags of unused yarn behind the chair on your side of the bedroom (yes, I’m pretty sure there’s a chair under all that stuff – I promise I’ll get to it eventually). Mom has a friend who apparently knits 24/7, and can go through all the material you left behind. So rest assured, everything is going to a good home where it will be used.

I also brought over a whole bunch of paperwork to be dealt with. Jan had found a check made out to your mom (some eight months after her passing) that I guess you were going to deal with at some point. I’d called the clinic at the time, and per their instructions, I’m going to be writing a letter to request it be voided and reissued (what’s weird is that they tell me they can only apply it to your mom’s estate. Don’t know how that’s going to work, but at least the new check won’t be stale). Now, I could have carried that over whether I’d driven or ran, but I could get started a lot quicker this way.

And if I had been walking or running, I probably would not have been able to bring over the a pile of the AnimeIowa T-shirts you’d left behind, to be used to create one quilt or another, not to mention a couple dozen microDVs of our vacations, outings…

…and conventions. The first one I popped into the camcorder to play and record into the computer were from the AnimeIowa held in downtown Cedar Rapids back in 2006, when they held the cosplay at the theatre a block or so down from the Crowne Plaza Five Seasons. I can hear you laughing at the skits, as you seemed to be the one handling the camera this time around.

It was so good to hear your laugh again, honey. I treasure the fact that someone once described me as having an ‘easy laugh,’ one that always would get the joke and respond appreciatively. But you, you had a whole repertoire of laughter, from the occasional friendly chuckle to joyously literal ‘laugh out loud’ moments. Even though you were actually behind the camera most of the time, so there’s nothing to see of you, I still hear you from time to time on the audio. And it’s so gratifying, because I miss it so much.

I miss you so much.

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I am Rachel's husband. Was. I'm still trying to deal with it. I probably always will be.

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