Woefully Inadequate

Dearest Rachel –

Considering that I’m to meet her at ten this morning, I’m up way too early. Then again, it’s not entirely my own fault; when Daniel dropped by the bedroom after Logan called it a night last night, we didn’t even get through a single video before he seemed noticeably still, and his breathing almost too regular for being awake. As there wasn’t any point in trying to rouse him (and I’d considered calling it a night early anyway, before he showed up), I shut off but the computer and the lights, and joined him in slumberland until such time as her woke up and relocated himself, hours (at least I assume it was hours) later.

So here it is, six in the morning, still surprisingly dark for being past the equinox (although it may just be the contrast between the otherwise unlit room and the bright glare of the computer ‘monitor’ covering the one solid wall in our bedroom – if I turn my head to look out the French doors next to me, I can see that it’s light enough to indicate that the sun is up), and I haven’t much of a thought in my head to tell you about. I was considering discussing the war with you, but like in John Denver’s telling about his grandma’s feather bed, there will come a point where that term becomes meaningless: “Which war, anyway? Does it even matter?”

So perhaps I should mention that we’re meeting for me to give her a few souvenirs of the trip; unless most of our friends, she actually asked for something, so I felt duty-bound to look while we were out and about. She also said she’d pay for them, but I’m disregarding that. What I got her, now that I look at it, seems woefully inadequate.

Of course, we didn’t go over there to shop for souvenirs; that was just an incidental part of the whole trip. Honestly, the very concept is kind of weird, when you think about it, given the meaning of the word. You’d know this better than I, since you took French while I studied Spanish, but it comes from the word meaning ‘to remember.’ And yet, it’s being given to someone who hasn’t been there, and by definition can’t remember anything about the place. Am I missing something about the absurdity of the concept?

Then again, maybe the point is that I remembered her, and her request for something to be brought back. That would make more sense, I suppose – although I’ve never given that interpretation any thought until this very moment. In which case, perhaps it really is true that, as the saying goes, it’s “the thought that counts.”

To be sure, I would have been willing to have gotten that much more for others, but only one other person bothered to ask for anything. Granted, Daniel made a point of scoping out Akihabara for something for Logan, but that became challenging in its own right; with so much there, how do you pick one single thing out? Anything in Radio Kaikan could have sufficed, but there’s always something that would be better than the thing you picked out, isn’t there? Sometimes, a surfeit of choices is worse than being starved of them.

Maybe that’s what makes this seem so insufficient, even for someone I hardly know – and, as a result, have no idea what exactly she might actually like. After all, Daniel is more interested in the modern city life than the shrines and nature and the history of the place; if she were like him, these would be precisely the wrong choices to have made and brought back for her. Then again, it’s not as if I’d be expected to know, so it may not bother her that I haven’t a clue of her likes and dislikes.

Besides, it isn’t as if this relationship is ever going to go anywhere – although that begs a whole other question, as to why I’m bothering to do this in the first place. The best answer I can give off the top of my head is that I gave my word that I would do it, and so here I am. I can’t be bothered to overthink whether she’ll like these specific, paltry tokens; as with the proverbial walking bear, the marvel isn’t that it’s done well, it’s that it’s done at all.

And yet, I can’t seem to help myself in thinking that this is insufficient. Although at this point, there’s no going back there to search for more. She’ll have to be satisfied with what there is; and it is better than nothing. It won’t mean much, coming from a fellow she has no interest in beyond this, but whatever. I shouldn’t be fretting about it, in any event.

Either way, I’d appreciate it if you’d keep an eye on me, honey, and wish me luck, regardless. It should be pretty clear that I’m going to need it.