Dearest Rachel –
There are certain mornings when I wake up with an idea to talk to you about, and all the time in the world to get it written down for you before I head out to the ‘office.’ Not often, but occasionally; most mornings, I have the time, but nothing in my head to relate to you first thing (and yes, you may go ahead and make the jokes that assertion would reasonably provoke, as I’m fully deserving of them). And then, there are mornings like this, where even if I had something interesting to tell you about, there isn’t the time to get it written down, as I need to be out of here, sooner than I ordinarily would be.
Again, for all that this might sound that like I’m complaining, I realize that this is nothing like my daily life back in the work farce. Back then, you might remember (or you might not, considering you were asleep when I would get up, and barely wake up for my goodbye kiss to you on the way out the door) that I would set my alarm for a little bit after five o’clock, allowing me to do my reading, check my news feed, shower and get dressed, and have a little bit of breakfast before heading out before seven-thirty (and getting to work before eight – hopefully before Mohinder arrived).
These days, I don’t bother to set an alarm unless I really have to be up early, and wake up organically slightly before seven. Granted, if I’m going to work out, that means I’m lucky to get out of the house by nine; so I rarely do. But today, I had to be somewhere by nine-thirty; specifically, to the dealership, where they had to do one last bit of touching up to the car now that I’d bought it. It’s something having to do with adding a (second layer of) ceramic coating to the car in order to get it some additional weatherproofing; whatever it is, they insisted on it, and since it was included in the price of the car, I agreed to bring it in.
Now, the process turns out to be a little involved, and they told me it would take the better part of the day. So with that in mind, I figured I would drop the car off, and walk to the ‘office’. That way, I’d get my workout in without having to bother with the treadmill this morning – and the delay on starting the rest of the day that I would normally have if I did.
That still meant getting some sort of breakfast beforehand, so that I’d have the energy to cover those five miles or so. And so this is something that I’ve discovered since your passing; there’s a certain brand of energy drink that isn’t quite fruit juice, and isn’t quite coffee, but it has a little bit of the benefits of both.
As I’m sitting at this little table in the kitchen (because I don’t want to disturb Daniel, who’s sleeping in the family room as he’s done since he was… oh, gosh, like ten or eleven? Ever since he couldn’t get up from his loft bed without hitting his head on the ceiling), thinking about how I need to be out the door in less than an hour and don’t have time to write to you (let alone something to write about), this song showed up in my feed.
Of course, you wouldn’t be caught dead drinking coffee… if you’ll pardon the poor choice of words. Between the smell and the taste of it – I sometimes wonder if you associated it with tobacco, which would definitely explain your distaste as far as I would be concerned – there was nothing you found in it that was worthwhile. Besides, as a general rule (and to borrow from, of all people, Salvador Dalí), you didn’t need caffeine, you were caffeine. But I’m not so lucky; besides, this stuff claims to kickstart one’s metabolism, particularly during a workout.
Whether it does or not isn’t really the point, though. My point is that I was sitting in a moment of time, finishing breakfast, realizing I wouldn’t have time to catch up with you until some time around noon (when I’d arrive at the ‘office’ and get myself settled in, more or less). Even if your spirit was there in the room, it would be very much like the scene described by a man who passed away mere months before we got married but whose lyrics often felt so much like our lives – or maybe it was just mine.
Oddly enough – or maybe not so much – I don’t have that much more to tell you about. I did what I meant to, got to the office in about an hour and a half, and here I am, filling you in on the moments before doing so, when I realized I’d have to hurry up and get there, with no time for chitchat when you have an appointment scheduled. I get that life is like that, but we all need fewer days like this, when you come down to it.
And with that having been said – and little else worth saying, to be honest – I’m going to have to let you go, and get on with the rest of my daily tasks. But do keep an eye on me, honey, and wish me luck, as I’m still going to need it.
Letters to Rachel 