Dearest Rachel –
I’d say something to the effect that life is a series of plans that “gang aft agley,” as Robert Burns’ fieldmouse discovered, to its dismay, except that that’s not really quite accurate. Yes, we make plans, and yes, they will sometimes go awry (as Burns’ phrase translates to), but really, the ‘going awry’ part isn’t what disposes of most of them. And believe me, I’ve had to dispose of enough plans in my life that I think I know why I had to trash them; it’s not because they go wrong in some way or another.
Most of the time, it has to do with the fact that they aren’t as urgent as one’s workaday life. There are important things that need to be done today, and tomorrow, and the day after, that require you to set aside those lofty plans for the moment in order to address them first of all. “Once I get this taken care of,” you tell yourself, “then I’ll get on with this or that thing that I’ve been planning to do for all this time.”
Right now for me, it’s a combination of regular things – the documentation for church that I put together every month, assembling data for my annual income tax return (and Daniel’s, which is actually more difficult, since I have to goad him into collecting his data) – and some unusual stuff, like the car purchase I expect to take care of today, that take immediate precedence over the plans I’d really like to tell you about, but want to wait until I’ve actually made progress on first. None of these things are all that overwhelming, mind you (apart from the tax stuff, even for an accountant like myself), but as they take precedence, they collectively leave me stalling out over this stack of ideas that I want out of my head and into wider circulation.
But getting them into wider circulation requires a number of incremental steps, which have to be taken care of first. I have to spend time learning how to go about using the latest technology to better accomplish this overall task – and as there’s a new model our process coming out every few weeks, if not every few days, one hesitates to commit to something that’s going to be obsolete before one finishes with the learning process. Once I do commit to a specific process or model, there’s the need to assemble various source media – videos, images, audio clips and the like – for the model to learn how to build consistently from frame to frame. Each of these steps is another daunting task to take care of before any sort of finished product can be created.
And the whole project is considerably more finicky than anything I’m learning about thus far as I try to study the latest technologies coming out, like trying to drink water from a firehose. Most of those talk about character consistency from shot to shot, which is obviously important, but none of them concern themselves with the characters’ voice. But since this is a specific ‘character’ I’m trying to create (or rather, re-create), this is of paramount importance – and not just of timbre, pitch and tone, but of the words and manner they would be spoken. This is a level of consistency other creators (and therefore the would-be teachers) don’t concern themselves with. All of which sets me back that much farther in terms of my ability (and maybe even eagerness) to get on with this project.
Meanwhile, I keep envisioning ideas of what this scene or that might look or sound like; and once I get to that point, I don’t want to tell you about those things in any great detail. I’d much rather be able to show you, and have you be impressed by the results, instead of having you read the script, imagine it in your own head, and either be disappointed that what I can eventually generate looks nothing like what you imagined – or worse yet, never gets around to being done at all, because I keep promising myself that I’ll get to work on it “once I get this or that thing taken care of” first, and never do.
Those things are important, though – while this is something I’ve been wanting to do from an overarching standpoint of wanting to create something that people could watch, it will be a drop in an ocean that already exists. It will be an accomplishment, but one that ultimately doesn’t matter to anyone but myself. But the niggling other priorities that get in the way of doing this are actual responsibilities I have towards others (well, maybe not so much the auto purchase, but if I have to get around, and my current vehicle is rusting out…). They really do need to be taken care of, in a way that this doesn’t.
And so, it is set aside for tomorrow, and tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after. Scripts get written, data is assembled, and nothing much comes of it. Meanwhile, I want to show you something, but I’ve nothing to show you that makes any real sense to anyone but myself, since all I have are pieces. They don’t even so much as add up to look like a whole picture; at least, not one that anybody but myself would be able to recognize.
I keep telling myself that one of these days, I’ll have this put together, and you’ll be pleased with the results (if a little self-conscious about being on screen where you never intended to be, back in the day. Consider this a very realistic avatar for yourself, honey). But in the meantime, it’s proving to be a bit more challenging to even get started, let alone come up with something I can point to and show what I have in mind. But at least all these little responsibilities of mine are getting taken care of, right? That should count for something… right?
In any event, I’d ask you to continue to keep your eye on me, honey, and wish me luck. More than ever, I’m going to need it.
Letters to Rachel 