An Audience of One

Dearest Rachel –

The other day, I got an email from someone, rather out of the blue, who had either been reading these letters or watching the videos I’ve been attaching to the ones I’ve sent you while I’ve been traveling; it wasn’t entirely clear to me as to which, since they referenced the channel while sending their email to the address specifically connected to this site. They offered effusive praise regarding the effort put into the ‘content’ (which continued to leave me confused as to what, specifically, they were referring to, but whatever), and encouraged me to “keep shining, you’ve created something truly extraordinary.”

I’m not going to deny that receiving praise like that is unusual or gratifying. For all the media I consume online, I’m not nearly as faithful with doing as little as hitting the ‘like’ button on one thing or another that I read or watch – and, to be fair, the channels that hound one to do so leave me that much less inclined to, I should mention. So to actually get a ‘like’ on either a letter or a video is a nice little ‘attaboy,’ telling me that there’s someone out there, reading or watching over your shoulder, that enjoys what I’m putting out there for you. To get a direct message to that effect, with actual words rather than just a click of a button onscreen, is orders of magnitude more gratifying.

With that being said, I wanted to send a note of thanks to this individual, but didn’t know how to do so. At the risk of giving a peek behind the curtain, the email address tied to this site forwards to my regular gmail account; I actually don’t know how to access that email account directly anymore, after all this time. But I wasn’t sure about giving away the connection between it and my gmail account. As a result, several days went by before I wrote this person back. Finally, it occurred to me that, if he had seen a video I’d created, and looked at my channel, he would already be aware of the connection. There was no point in concealing something that was effectively common knowledge. So I wrote him back, offering appreciation for his kind words straight from my gmail instead.

And it was at this point that things went off the rails. I don’t know where I heard it first, but there’s a saying that goes something like this: “when someone butters you up, it means they’re about to put the bite on you.”

After a gracious “you’re most welcome,” he proceeded to get to the point that he wanted to make to me. Claiming that my channel was getting “fewer views, likes, comments and subscriptions than it deserves” (with all due respect, what is the benchmark for how much in the way of those things any channel ‘deserves,’ anyway?), he offered his services as a growth specialist in social media, claiming that, with his help, I could “boost engagement, build a loyal audience, and move faster towards monetisation.”

Allow me to pause here to sigh and roll my eyes. Okay, thanks; back to the story.

You already knew this from day one, but this was never meant for a wide audience. If other people were to read or watch what I produced for you over your shoulder, that’s fine. If some were encouraged to go where I’ve gone and do what I’ve done – especially the friends I’m trying to encourage to join me on one trip or another – that’s okay, too. And if they got to know about you through me, I think that would be wonderful. But all that is peripheral to what I meant to do with all this.

This was supposed to be a collection of memories, particularly about you, which has proven to be a less-than-successful endeavor. To be sure, it’s allowed me to preserve these more current memories, as well as keeping track of more than a few things I’ve been able to do, make, and have made in your honor. Along the way, I’ve occasionally been able to remember certain things about you and your character – especially through your own Bible study notes, which I’ll continue to release for as long as I’m able to – but that’s proven to be more auxiliary to the bulk of the content, which has been a chronicling of my efforts at recovery and self-improvement in the wake of bereavement. It might be useful to some random person who would come across it, but that wasn’t by any means the original intent. And I’m not sure I want it to become that – and I certainly have no desire to monetize what I’m creating, even if I got to the point of having a wide enough reach that someone would consider it worthwhile to advertise on my channel.

You’ve known for years – decades, even – about my antipathy toward advertisement. I have no desire to be someone else’s billboard. And thanks to you and your family, I not only had the opportunity to retire when I did, but I don’t need to make the effort to try to gain some advertiser’s attention in order to keep myself fed from day to day. This can remain a labor of love, made with an audience of one in mind, rather than trying to adjust my content to appeal to a horde of others – and worse yet, turn myself into some kind of corporate shill.

Now, I didn’t use terms like “shill” to rebuff him, but I gently informed him that I wasn’t interested in his services, and that the channel and this site weren’t intended to be monetized; I was fine with things the way they were. To be honest, I tried to find his own channel with limited success; the one using his company name had a completely different logo, so I’m not sure it was even his. But it only had a few thousand subscribers, in any event. Granted, that’s more than I have, by a long shot, but he’s supposed to be in the business of generating subscribers; if after several years, that’s all he’s got, how could I trust him to get me very far?

Be that as it may, he promptly sent me three or four more emails in quick succession, saying how important it is to reach a wider audience, and be able to make money from having such an audience. It’s as if he couldn’t grasp the idea that I’d just as soon keep writing you letters and sending you videos, with no expectation or consideration as to whether anyone else is reading or watching aside from you.

And, to be fair, if that’s his business, I suppose he couldn’t be expected to grasp that concept. He does this for a living, as do so many others – and to create content on a regular basis, there has to be a motivation to do so – and what better motivator is there out there than money, as a general rule? But when he runs across outliers like myself, he doesn’t know what to make of us.

True, there’s something to be said for having a wider audience. I like interacting with those who contact me about what I’ve written or filmed, especially when they’re civil (and most of them are). At the same time, it’s not like I want to be widely known for this, either; I have enough trouble already when someone I don’t recognize recognizes me in public (like at an anime convention). Is this what celebrities feel like all the time? Because if it is, I see why they don’t like it as much as all that.

No, it’s just safer for all concerned that I stick with the one-person audience I’ve always intended to have – even though I know you either can’t or won’t see any of it. It’s not meant for more than that. Those of you looking over her forward, you’re more than welcome here, but understand that there will be things that are just between me and her, and you may not be able to follow it all. Feel free to try to keep up, but don’t worry if you can’t; it wasn’t all meant for you. That’s just how life is.

In any event, I need to get going, honey. Keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.