Dearest Rachel –
I’ve been keeping in touch with “Lee” now since March or April, I think (I’m pretty sure that was when we discovered we shared a birthday, right down to the same year and all). And while I haven’t been texting her quite as faithfully as I’ve been writing to you (I’m down to every second or third day at this point), I’ve been trying to maintain a presence in her messages, so that at some point, when we can synchronize our schedules, I can take her out on at least one more date, in order to even the score between us. I may not think that the two of us will work out, but I hate the feeling of ‘owing’ her for the date she paid for, even if it’s only in my own mind.
But it’s been next to impossible to arrange any time to get together, for a number of different reasons (which, by the way, is part of why I don’t see things working out between the two of us). She’s out in the work farce, just like I used to be, so weekdays are out of the question. But by and large, my weekends are spoken for, either from being out of town on one trip or another, or by my assignments in the booth. And while this upcoming weekend has neither such interference going on, Daniel and I (well, mostly I, but by dint of the invitations, Daniel’s been informed, and wants to come along with in both cases, which is perfectly fine. He needs to get out of the house more often) have been invited to several parties being hosted by friends and colleagues at church, and we would be remiss to skip out of them. Come to think of it, we should probably go shopping tomorrow for something to bring to each of these get-togethers, too.
But that’s rather beside the point, which is that it’s next to impossible for “Lee” and I to free up our schedules such that we can go on a date together, because her weekdays are busy, and my weekends are full; there literally hasn’t been a free weekend since Memorial Day for us to get together (and while I might have a free weekend in a little over a fortnight, that remains to be seen yet). To be sure, Daniel is just as happy about that – he’s expressed a lack of enthusiasm ever since meeting her at the anime convention some three months ago, although he’s stated outright that it’s not so much her, personally, as the idea of me dating at all that bothers him which, while commendable in its honesty, is more than a little annoying that he seems to want me to himself even as he spends more of his waking hours with Logan (and in any event, I’d really rather be looking for Megumi, if she’s out there, than hanging out with them and being the third wheel).
The thing is, the situation wouldn’t be any different with any other woman, I should imagine. For the most part, at our mutual age, they would need to be working in order to sustain themselves, rendering them unavailable during the week. Meanwhile, on weekends, there would be the same issue with anyone else as with “Lee,” unless I were to start a relationship with someone at church and spend Sunday mornings worshiping alongside them. To be honest, I kind of hoped that might be a side benefit of the trip to Honduras, but my bouncing back and forth between each group (construction, education and medical) meant I didn’t exactly stick with any clique in particular. Besides, most of the females on the trip proved to be either married or uninterested in that kind of relationship (and most of them were far too young for me to even consider, much as I might have wanted to); it doesn’t take long to know that this is not the time or place to cultivate that sort of thing. Actually, that’s a separate problem in and of itself; it’s really never the time or place, despite the fact that these are the ideal women one would like to make that connection with. But that’s a topic for another time.
The thing is, back here at home, we could go where we wanted, when we wanted, and do what we wanted because you were available at any time (and, during those last eighteen months, so was I, although the pandemic put a crimp in the last nine or ten of those months). We could go out to dinner or wherever practically on a whim. Not that we necessarily did so – although we did travel a couple of times before the lockdowns hit, so that’s something – but we could in a way that most couples, married or not, couldn’t. Free of the encumbrances of work, our schedules allowed us the option to “go out” at a moment’s notice, even if it was just to pick up food for the three of us (which usually wound up being you and I leaving the house together while Daniel stayed home, so it was still a form of alone time together).
The irony – or perhaps the Catch-22 – of finding someone with which to spend time with on such a spontaneous, impulsive basis is that it would require her to be out of the work farce; but where would her resources come from, if she were living on her own? She’d either be supported by her own family (which would make her more likely Daniel’s age than mine, at which point I shouldn’t even entertain the possibility of pursuing her) or by me, under my own roof already – which couldn’t happen until and unless the two of us would have already exchanged vows, but how would we get to that point? I can’t date someone unless I’ve already been dating them long enough to have said “I do” to her; it’s all but impossible, when I look at it that way.
Maybe Daniel will get his wish, at this rate, not that I’m happy about that. While I can spend all the time I want in the bedroom, watching this video or that, it would still be nice to be able to do stuff with Megumi at some point. I just wish I knew whether I was wasting my time still looking for her or not.
In either case, honey, just keep an eye on me for now, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.
Letters to Rachel 