On Being “That Guy”

Dearest Rachel –

This is something of a confession, as in hindsight, I think I may have been excessively rude to someone who was just trying to be polite. It’s the sort of story that might possibly be submitted to r/AITA, where Redditors dealing with a pang of conscience ask the community at large, “Am I The, uh… Jerk?” (Yes, I know that ‘jerk’ doesn’t start with an ‘a’; you’re more than smart enough to figure out ➀ what the real word is, and ➁ why I refuse to use it, even in this context, where it’s blindingly obvious as to what the word really is). You can judge for yourself as I tell you about the moment.

So, this weekend had me back in the booth at church, after a couple of weeks away from those duties – you’ve heard most of those stories, so there’s no need to belabor the details as to why. In any event, during rehearsal, at one point the worship leader came back to the booth to settle a few issues regarding sound levels, as is done now and then. While there, he poked his head into the separate room where I’m monitoring the slides on one computer and the camera displays on a separate screen, and offers the usual pleasantry along the line of “hey there; how ya feeling today?”

I honestly don’t know what got into me, honey; it’s not as if I was feeling particularly surly or anything. But you know that I’m never one to do the whole “Steve and Barbara” thing, and just say “fine, thank you” when asked how I’m doing – which, in the years since your departure, has been consistently challenging to respond to with what I consider to be a proper answer to. Even when things are going well, it almost seems impertinent to be happy in the wake of your absence, if I think too hard about it. So I replied with what, in the moment, actually seemed like an appropriate, thought-out answer: “Does it really matter?”

And to a certain extent, I’m going to defend that as an answer; when you have a job to do, there are going to be times – even moments on a good day – when you’re not all that into what it is you have to do. But that’s beside the point; whether you are or not, it still needs doing, and you’re the one to do it. There are just some times (a lot of them, in fact) when feelings have to be set aside for the sake of the task at hand. How I feel shouldn’t matter, in the final analysis – which is what I basically explained to his nonplussed reaction.

I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing, or if it’s built into our language for some reason, but we have a few such verbal landmines like this. Consider being asked “Would you like to…” do this or that task, when it would be more accurately worded “Would you be willing to…?” Even the person asking the question knows that if they were answered truthfully, they would hear a “No” – who likes to called to work, especially if they’re in the middle of another, more entertaining activity? – but come on… nobody does that. That wouldn’t be polite to say outright. Anyone who actually does say “No” to the request will generally do it facetiously, while in the process of getting up to do that thing, so any blunt honesty encased in the response is muted. Truth be told – and I’m sure you’d be willing to back me up on this, honey – I’m as likely as not to be that guy, jokingly refusing even as I start in on the requested task.

The thing is, you’re not supposed to be That Guy. Almost all of polite society – and much of what humanity has adopted as religion – can boil down to an admonition to “don’t be That Guy.” It’s literally what the near-universal phrasing of the Golden Rule is; “Do not do unto others as you would not have done unto yourself.” Only Christianity flips the phrase on its head by changing it to the affirmative “do unto others,” which isn’t the same thing at all, despite appearing to be so. It’s a more active, rather than passive, take on the subject: “be a Better Guy” as opposed to just “don’t be That Guy.” Come to that, we even have a Better Guy to serve as an example – and I suspect that He might be amused at that assertion: “Can’t remember being called that before.”

Interestingly enough, even He protested a task He was called to – the task, in fact – pleading desperately at the eleventh hour as to whether there might be another way to achieve the ends He and His Father were aiming for. That there apparently wasn’t, and that He went through with it, only serves to underscore the insistence (bigoted though some people claim it to be) that it’s the only way to salvation. But it was clear that He wasn’t required (or expected) to enjoy the process.

And so it is today. We’re commanded to serve the Lord with joy and gladness, but sometimes, the joy just isn’t there. Not that there’s misery, sadness or anger, necessarily; sometimes you just don’t feel much of anything. Sometimes, you’re even glad to not be feeling much of anything. And that was what I was trying to point out when I suggested that it didn’t matter as to how I might be doing; what was important in the moment was that I (and all of us there) were there, doing our jobs as we were (and are) called upon, and making sure they were being done well. Whatever we might be feeling was irrelevant to the moment and the tasks at hand.

I wasn’t trying to be “That Guy” by pointing that out, but I suppose that’s how it must have looked and sounded to anyone outside of my skin. It could probably also have been stated so much better – and perhaps at a more opportune time, although I don’t know when that would have been. But its apparent unpleasantness wouldn’t make it any less true, would it?

Still, maybe you would do well to keep an eye on me, and try to get me to hold my tongue in cases where some more brutal truths ought to be kept to myself, honey. And if you’d wish me luck at restraining myself, that would be great, too, as it’s clear that I’ll be needing it.