Too Tired to be Frantic

Dearest Rachel –

Early tomorrow night, I’m going to need to head off to bed by five or six, so I can wake up at three, summon myself an Uber (both Dad and Daniel offered to drive me there until I informed them both of the time I needed to be there, at which point they were quite content with my demurral), and get over to the airport for next week’s trip to Honduras.

And I haven’t packed so much as a stitch of clothing – let alone anything else on the list provided by the leadership team. You’d think I’d be panicking about it, but for some strange reason, I’m just not there yet. To be sure, the time spent in the booth at Vacation Bible School might have been enough to distract me, as I’ve essentially ordered my schedule for the week around it (despite the fact that I really don’t do much while I’m there, at least not compared to the average Sunday. It’s more of a case of being there if something in the program goes wrong as opposed to actively changing the slides every couple of seconds) without giving much thought to even the immediate future. And then, the challenge I posed to myself of eating at home may have added an extra layer of distraction – although since I’m meeting up with Lars today, that string is going to be broken at this point; so much for that attempt.

This morning, I’m dealing with another reason for not getting emotionally wound up about whether I’m properly prepared. I’d gotten home yesterday fully intending to do a laundry and get things set aside, only to find both machines running already. It seems that Logan, taking advantage of the fact that both Daniel and I were out for the evening, had decided to take care of his laundry while otherwise unoccupied; a perfectly reasonable and logical course of action, and I can’t fault him for it. The trouble is, this delayed me from taking care of my self-imposed assignment, and while Daniel eventually got home to keep me company while I waited for everything to finish up, I was barely in bed by midnight.

I know, I know; I’m a lightweight when it comes to staying up late.

But as a result, I’m awake this morning without a thought in my head. Nothing to tell you about (there was a dream about a murder mystery dream having to do with someone dying from the effects of a ghost pepper or some such, but it wasn’t making any sense even in the midst of it. My dream self was trying to figure out why I was in this scene to begin with, discarding it as not being worth telling you about while I was still mostly asleep. When you’re giving the hook to your own dreams…), and nothing going through my mind about the day to come. The thing is, I stayed up so (relatively) late, and woke up at my usual time (which is to say, too early, especially when I’ve determined there’s no need to hit the gym, since we’re going to be walking in the woods later on today, and I need to make an appearance at the ‘office’) that my brain is more than a bit foggy, to put it mildly. No excitement, no enthusiasm… but also, no panic, either, despite the fact that any and all of these emotional responses could be warranted in my situation.

It’s gotten to the point where this lack of emotion is the one truly noteworthy thing about the day. And so that’s why I’m telling you about it; that, and the self-imposed need to check in with you every morning with something. Hey, it’s more substantial that some of the conversations we used to have first thing in the morning back in the day.

The thing is, it’s not like I really need to be in any kind of frenzy. Sure, I’ve got less than forty-eight hours until we fly out, but most of what I need is already on hand; all that needs to be done is for everything to be folded and stuffed into the suitcase, and I’m off. Granted, there are a few odd items, like Pepto tablets and bug spray, that aren’t household items for us and need to be picked up, but by and large, it’s just a matter of assembling everything and taking it with. Meanwhile, there’s not much that, if I didn’t have it with me, I couldn’t survive for a week without (although I’d be hard-pressed to do something like leading a class without, so I shouldn’t be too lax about these things); what gets left behind will have to be done without.

Besides all that, I’m still trying to wake up – six hours of sleep isn’t enough for me – and I’m just too tired to be frantic right now. Maybe once I’m fully awake, it’ll hit me, and that pre-travel anxiety will hit, but the more I travel, the less it really does that to me, so I’m not betting on it. Besides, there’s plenty to continue to distract me between now and then; I’ll hardly have the time to really get worked up about it. Which is probably for the best.

Still, whether I do or not, I’d appreciate it if you’d keep an eye on me, honey, and wish me luck. I’m sure I’m going to need it.