Assume That They’re All Fake

Dearest Rachel –

So… tomorrow is Friday, a day we all celebrate, for our various reasons – even if only because most of our fellows are (temporarily) released from their workaday prisons (which they may or may not recognize as such, but whatever). It is also Valentine’s Day, which for the fifth year in a row, I am approaching with increasing dread. By now, I’ve gotten to the point where, like Scrooge and Christmas, I see it as a humbug ‘holiday’ that is over-commercialized and unaffordable even to its practitioners, devoutly to be ignored. But of course, just from the fact that I’m writing you about it goes to show that I’m just that unable to ignore it; it lives rent-free in my head, as I wish to be able to once again enjoy it with someone – preferably, someone with many of your qualities.

The question remains, though, as it has been for some time, where could I possibly find someone like that? Trying to take a friend and turn her into something more, while the model for building our relationship, required a radical, mutual change in perspective toward each other. While my mind may have been freed up to do so, that didn’t necessarily apply to anyone else. At church in general, where we share a fairly comprehensive belief system at least, it’s hard to determine who’s unattached and looking, let alone how to approach them and not look like I have ulterior motives – especially since I absolutely do.

So for the time being, I’ve been subscribed to one or another dating website over the course of these past few years – and you’ve seen how that’s gone. I was told at the outset that I shouldn’t pin my hopes on such places, and consider them more as sources of entertainment. Granted, this may have proven to be a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy – which I’ll get to in a moment – but it has been fulfilled, and in abundance. To be sure, I’ve not been fleeced so much of money as time wasted on one blind alley or another, but I’ve learned to recognize scammers, as I’ve come across too many of them.

But at the same time, I’m always left wondering if any of them might actually be real, even as I’ve come to the point where, if they’re violating the site’s terms and conditions, I have to assume they’re all fake to begin with. Here, for instance, are the profiles of four ‘women’ who have ‘liked’ my profile and contacted me in the past week alone:

Apart from what I’ve just told you about not having replied back to any of these four, do you notice anything in common about them? That’s right, they’re giving contact information in their message to me – two using email addresses, the other two phone numbers – but all in a way that’s not obvious to the AI algorithm of the site. The email addresses don’t use the ‘at’ sign (@) itself, nor do they spell ‘gmail’ out in full, while those giving out phone numbers either use wingdings or Roman numerals to get around the restrictions. All simple enough for nearly any human to figure out, but which apparently bypass the triggers of whatever automatic security system is set up on the site; only once it’s manually reviewed does the profile come down for the violation. In a way, you have to respect the hustle, since it might simply be a cause of an actual woman using the site on a trial basis, and shooting her shot to as many guys as she can during the trial period before she has to actually pay for a subscription.

Which brings me to RM, a woman I might be speaking with right now. I should point out that the conditional tense refers to her status as a woman, not whether I’m actually speaking with her. I am texting her back-and-forth, that much is certain; whether she’s a catfish or not is less so.

Like with the other ‘ladies’ I showed you earlier, RM included her phone number in her ‘like’ message to me. It’s possible that any or all of the others would disappear, and I’d get a similar notice from the site, if I actually reached out to them on the site proper before texting or emailing them; I’m not sure. It would be an interesting experiment at some point, if any of them still exist when I have time and inclination to try it out.

But for the moment, I’ve been texting her, although only every so often. I don’t want to come across as too aggressive (or needy). She asks a lot of questions, and every reply I make is responded to quickly with an affirmation and a follow-up question. She almost seems human, but also gives off a vibe like I’m taking to a cross between Eliza (you recall, that old psych-test program that was a thing back when we were in school?) and ChatGPT. They’re just… slightly uncanny. Still, at one point I offered to meet her at a nice restaurant last week (before I really found myself dealing with this bad cold), and she responded with great enthusiasm, only to tell me that I’d have an answer the next day as to whether she’d go, when I was asking her to meet me that day. I gave her a pass, thinking it was a matter of giving her short notice.

Meanwhile, between my usual schedule and being sick, I can’t find myself to reach out to her with the same level of energy as she does to me, and she finally called me out on it yesterday. I admitted I’m not one to initiate text conversations as a rule, and offered to take her to the same place I’d mentioned the week before – but with the caveat that I might not be able to get a table on Friday, because of the holiday (and it would be a little on-the-nose to have a first date on Valentine’s Day; mustn’t read too much into these things, after all). This time around, she reacted a little more coolly than usual, with an “I’ll think about it,” and “I’ll let you know.”

Given who she might be, I might not hear from her, which I’m okay with. Then again, she’s said she wants me to initiate contact with her… but should I encourage this, since I have suspicions about her? I haven’t told her that I do, apart from sending her a copy of her profile picture (which had brown eyes, as opposed to the blue ones in several other pictures she’s sent me). She actually seemed impressed that I would save that picture, although she didn’t even try to address the discrepancy in her eye color.

Meanwhile, the weekend is approaching, and I either need to make reservations for the two of us… or not. I have a feeling that, if I do this, I’m likely to get stood up by someone who doesn’t exist. Then again, I have her number, although I haven’t actually called it; it might be an interesting experiment of its own, to be honest.

Again, if I knew this was a real woman, with real feelings, I would look at what I’m doing here with a certain amount of contempt; I’m really playing with this person, and not being serious. The trouble is, after so many times, I have to assume that she’s no more real than any other one I’ve encountered, and as a result, my attitude toward her is one bordering on indifference at best, and suspicion at worst. It’s not a great sentiment for the holiday, but that’s where I am.

And with that being said, I’m going to sign off for now. Keep an eye on me, honey – maybe nudge me toward the right direction – and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.