An Anastasia of My Own

Dearest Rachel –

After all this time, it’s hard to remember whether you were still around when Kevin introduced us to his online TikTok girlfriend, Anastasia. For that matter, it’s not as if I can check with him about the details of when and how he met her; if it was a matter of being mutual players of one or another of the online games he was talking into, or if he just struck up a conversation with her as she was performing on the now on-the-bubble platform, and she decided to encourage him.

I do know that you must have been long gone by the time he announced his engagement to her, because at that point, I’d dealt with enough catfish of my own to smell one out in his Anastasia – which, obviously, I wouldn’t have considered if you were still here. Granted, an encounter on TikTok isn’t the same as one on a dating website, where meeting up is the whole point; if a real-life friendship evolves from a parasocial relationship online, maybe it’s more of the real thing than a catfish job on Match.com or wherever. On the other hand, a parasocial relationship is somewhat asymmetrical; it could be easy for someone to be juggling multiple online suitors without any of them knowing each other, and for her to compartmentalize them so they never find out about each other. And by being from such a distant location as Ukraine, who’s going to fly over and visit her and find out personally what sort of scam she’s running on him (and the other guys)?

Still, Kevin thought he had it all planned out; once he was old enough to retire and collect Social Security and Medicare (which would only be in a few more years), he was planning to move and live with her over there, where the cost of living would be orders of magnitude cheaper. Even there, I was dubious; would the U.S. government cover a citizen who had moved out of the country on a permanent basis like that? It’s not a savings fund – or rather, the government doesn’t treat Social Security like a savings fund for its citizens – as far as I can tell, it’s more like an perpetual Ponzi scheme, that only the ire of the citizenry forces them to keep afloat. You’re not going to get out of it what you paid into it – especially not with interest – and especially not if you leave the country. I don’t think Kevin had any intentions of renouncing his citizenship or anything, but I don’t think it would take even that much for him to no longer receive those benefits he was counting upon.

Once the war broke out, he was all-in for Ukraine, since that was where she was from. While I had every sympathy for the country as it was being invaded, I thought the idea of the U.S. putting actual boots on the ground bordered on madness, especially since Russia had (and still has, as I understand it) more nukes than even we do – including ones that used to be housed in Ukraine, and we persuaded them to surrender for the sake of world security. Look, I agree that in some respects, we didn’t do enough for the country, but the idea of escalating the war to the point of risking such stuff… well, I made not have said it outright, but I really wondered if Kevin wasn’t thinking with his other head for once.

Of course, Daniel didn’t help, in terms of restoring peace to the relationship; he was convinced that Ukraine was full of actual Nazis. Now, I understand that they threw in with Germany when they were overrun during WWII, but who wouldn’t want to be free of the Soviet Union, especially after undergoing the arranged starvation of the Holodomor? Besides, their current leader is Jewish, supposedly; you’re saying a Jew is a Nazi?

At some point, Anastasia evacuated to southern Turkey to escape the war, with hopes to return when it was all over (a situation that has yet to materialize, but may soon – although probably not entirely to Kevin’s liking, if he were still around). Even then, circumstances managed to keep up with her, as the area was hit by a serious earthquake shortly thereafter. The last time Daniel and I visited, the three of us made one of the rare trips out of the house in order for Kevin to send a substantial care package of clothes and toiletries to Anastasia and her daughter Paulina; the postage alone came to some sixty bucks. I don’t know if it was heartless of me to say so, but I expressed the opinion that he was wasting his time and money, but also offered that it was just an opinion, and that he was free to do what he wanted with both of them.

In any event, it’s all moot now. As far as I know, Anastasia still has no idea what happened to Kevin, and since I suspect his computer is password protected, I haven’t bothered to crack it open to see if I can contact her and tell her. I imagine that she’s probably found somebody else in any event – assuming she didn’t already have several other ‘someone else’s at the time.

All of which brings me to Mary (not her real name, but the one she used on the dating website, which is a red flag in and of itself). She sent me a like the other day, and a chat bubble which included an email address – a move that will get you summarily thrown off the site. Still, knowing the risks, I thought I’d contact her anyway; it’s possible it was an honest mistake on her part. Besides, I figured I had enough experience with catfish to recognize when I had one on my line; if it didn’t pan out, I could always ghost her.

It seems that the time of ghosting is at hand. While she may well be an actual woman – and she has yet to ask me for a thin dime, which I appreciate – she has let me know that she is not from around here, like her profile claimed. She is, as it happens, from western Kazakhstan. So now, I’m dealing with an Anastasia of my own.

Will I pursue her? Are you kidding? I’m not about to book a flight out to Aktobe – assuming there are flights out there from here – nor is she likely to make her way to the States. Even if she was looking for an American husband to become an American wife, she ought to know that the time for such efforts has passed – nor am I so desperate for affection that I’d try to smuggle someone into the country, especially now. Those are efforts undertaken by people who think they’ve suddenly found their soulmate – and if I believed in soulmates, I wouldn’t be continuing with this pursuit, as mine has come and gone, and I should leave well enough alone.

At the same time, she has come clean about it, and again, without ever asking anything of me but to continue corresponding with her – presumably under the assumption that such communication could blossom into something more, at which point… ? So perhaps I ought to let her down gently, rather than getting too upset with her about it. Still, it’s disappointing, even though it’s hardly unexpected (apart from the specifics of where she’s from – it wasn’t that long ago that all I “knew” about her country was thanks to Sacha Baron Cohen), and I would prefer that something – or rather, someONE – else would come up soon so I don’t find myself pretending that Mary here is my only hope of future romance.

Until that day comes – assuming it does – keep an eye on me, honey, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it yet.