Dessert Pizza

Dearest Rachel –

I don’t know if I’m going mad from dieting (or attempting – and failing – to fast beyond twenty-four hours this weekend), but last night had us in one of my more unusual dreams together. It wasn’t the sort of dream where things were all happy and joyful that you and I were together; it was more a matter of literal “business as usual,” so I didn’t take the moment to appreciate the fact that you were at my side. Even now, I’m trying to make sense of what it was that we did, and whether any of it would be feasible (setting aside if it would be marketable), rather than taking in the fact that we were working together on these creations.

I’m not sure how or why this came to be – although really, why should I be trying to question dream logic at this point? You’d think I’d learn by now that it’s not going to (or supposed to) make sense – but you and I were running a family pizzeria. I’m guessing things were going reasonably well, although very little of the runtime of the dream was spent contemplating the situation as an actual business. The main focus was on the fact that we were experimenting with various combinations of dessert pizzas; in fact, that’s really why I’m writing about it to you, as I’ve never heard of any of these concoctions being tried, which would suggest that they’re probably not feasible, either as a construct or economically. And yet, they all sound delicious in their own way.

As I said, it’s quite possible that I’m going ever so slightly mad from depriving myself of such indulgences, in the hopes of developing a body worthy of attracting the attention of ‘Megumi,’ who may or may not even exist. Between the effort itself and the underlying knowledge that it may all be for naught, you can understand why I might think I’m going around the bend.

But regardless, I have to tell you about these because I haven’t the nerve to experiment in the kitchen in real life on any of these possible creations. Not only are these likely beyond my ken as a baker/chef, but even if they were to be successful, I assume they would be absolute caloric nightmares, even if I wasn’t trying to diet and lose weight. And on the other hand, if they were to turn out to be failures, well… I may be well off enough to shrug such waste off, but it goes against our mutual nature to waste so much food, only to dispose of it for being inedible. So perhaps someone who’s reading this over your shoulder might be interested in taking a crack at one or all of these, since I don’t dare try any of them.

One of the weird things about chain pizzerias is that, while they do offer desserts in the same pie format as their main offerings, they’re pretty conventional things. Then again, maybe that’s not so strange; they’ve found items that are popular and profitable, so why mess with the formula? Who can argue about brownies or chocolate chip cookies served in a circular format and cut in the same shape as the pizzas that are their stock in trade, especially when they’re served warm and ever so slightly gooey? You just don’t mess with success; I get it. But they really aren’t pizzas, as such, now, are they? They’re just glorified cookies.

So as it happened, you and I got it into our heads to start by making something that looked like an actual pizza – and indeed, used at least one ingredient that arguably (and boy, do I mean that literally!) is a standard pizza topping – but which was entirely dessert-y in its content. Rather than tomato sauce, we used chocolate sauce; in lieu of cheese, we covered it with coconut flakes; and as for the “topping,” pineapple, the lightning rod of ‘real’ pizza toppings. Voilà! Piña colada pizza! Although it occurs to me that, while the coconut would toast well in the oven, the other items might not suffer well under the heat necessary to bake the crust; perhaps a custard in place of the chocolate sauce, to create a sort of crème brûlée base, would be a better idea?

This is the thing that gives me pause, honey; I don’t know how long each part of any of these would need – or could stand – to be in the oven. If one item practically burns while the dough is still virtually raw, well… that’s a failure, obviously. Again, I’m not willing to risk such wastage, especially when I’m not wanting to consume so much in the way of calories in the first place. But again, maybe someone reading over your shoulder will know what works and what doesn’t, and be able to make a name for themselves by perfecting these ideas.

The second concept had us altering even the crust, by making it using graham flour, and using more sugar (and less salt) in the dough. You can probably guess the toppings, although I don’t recall if we did something in terms of a sauce – maybe caramel? Anyway, this would have been a standard s’mores pizza, with chocolate chips and marshmallows. Again, would the crust have to be half-baked (or even three-quarters baked) before being topped with these items? I really couldn’t tell you, and I don’t dare try.

The final attempt was one that, even in my dream, we couldn’t come to an agreement on, much like the actual argument between thin crust and deep dish pizza. Except, rather than being about the toppings, this was about gingerbread (which was probably due to the current season). Would it be better as a pizza-sized gingersnap, with a thin, crispy crust? Or would it be preferable to make actual gingerbread, with the bake being a virtual cake in thickness and texture? And what do we put on it? Do we even mess with it? After all, our competitors don’t bother to do anything with their cookies or brownies; should anything go on these, apart from a minimal amount of icing? These were questions we pondered together so much that I’m still wondering about them as I’ve been awake for over an hour, telling you about this all.

Strangely enough, I’m not particularly hungry for any of these at the moment, or at all; I’d really rather go back to bed, if I were to be completely honest. But this had to be told – and let’s face it, I might be up an hour or so early today, but the gym is already open – so I might as well get started on the day. And how better to do so than by telling you about this? Maybe some enterprising soul will take a crack at one or another of these ideas and make something of them. I hope I get to hear about it at some point.

Until then, though, honey, I might as well ask you to keep an eye on me, and wish me luck; I’m sure I’m going to need it.