Dearest Rachel –
To call last night’s dream a nightmare, or even give it descriptions like ‘heartbreaking’ or ‘gut wrenching’ would be to overstate things by some distance. In truth, by the end of the dream, I was pretty much in the same state, as I am now in the waking world, only considerably younger, so to complain about my condition would seem to be a little silly. But I think if I explain what went on, you can see why it hurt, and why I’m telling you about it.
In some ways, it felt very familiar, if rather distant in terms of time. We were both back in college, and apparently closer than we were when we were back in college, since we were rooming together. Not only that, but nothing was said about it, as if it was the most natural thing in the world for the two of us to be together like that, even though it was fairly obvious that we weren’t married or anything. On the other hand, it seemed like a foregone conclusion to all and sundry that we would be in the near enough future. 
Except… for some reason, I could tell that you were not as enamored with the idea as you had been; you were perceptibly colder to me than had been the case for the majority of our time together, and I didn’t know why. This was most uncharacteristic of you, since in real life, we rarely had disagreements or arguments. And with that being said, I felt the need to find out what was upsetting you.
Actually, I thought I already knew; for all the time that we had been together (and I mean together), I hadn’t proposed to you, in order to make our relationship official. Moreover, either I or both of us were graduating in a week or two, as best I could tell from the circumstances of the dream. So I thought that the matter would be resolved if I were to pop the question to you.
However, much to my shock and dismay, that wasn’t what you wanted at all. In fact, you turned me down. It wasn’t that you had any affection for anyone else, to be sure, but you had been slowly getting more and more curious at first and then bothered by the ring I wore on my finger. And this is where the real world started to bleed into the dream, and caused it to curdle, because…
You might remember how, in the university’s Greek system (I don’t know if it was unique to our school, or if this was – and is, for all I know – common nationwide, but I’ll just speak to where we were), there was an informal system for announcing one’s relationship status. There was ‘pinning,’ where the girl would be presented with and allowed to wear her boyfriend’s fraternity pin (which, of course, was a non-issue for us, as I was a proud member of Gamma Delta Iota – a “g–d— independent,” for those not familiar with the term – being just shy of contemptuous of the fraternity system). The next step up was being ‘lavaliered,’ where the indicative token was his class ring, which she would wear on a necklace. Finally, and most common throughout the whole of society, there is the status of engaged, in which she gets a ring of her own, to eventually be replaced (or, in your case, incorporated into) a wedding band.
With all that real-life background out of the way, you had apparently wondered why I kept my class ring rather than offer it to you at first. Then, over time, you came to the conclusion that it wasn’t a class ring at all; it didn’t have the markings on the side that would ordinarily be associated with one’s college (or high school) career, let alone any indication of the school I should have been all but advertising my status as a student or an alumnus of. So it wouldn’t have been expected to be a part of this relationship-status announcement hierarchy. Which should have been enough for you; after all, you were never much for jewelry and all that, anyway.
But let’s face it, you were always the curious sort; once you had a question in your mind, you couldn’t let it go until you found an answer to it. To be sure, your dream self was a bit more jealous and suspicious than you were in real life; I don’t think you would have concluded that I was wearing this in tribute of a past love – and even if you did, you would be able to reassure yourself that, even if there was someone in my past, you were the girl of my present and, presumably, future. There should have been nothing for you to concern yourself with.
But dreams – and dream selves – don’t function on real life logic, and you felt the need to pursue this line of inquiry. What was this ring, you wanted to know? Who was it from, and why could I not tell you about it (or her)?
For what it’s worth, I wasn’t reluctant to tell you, at least at first. There wasn’t anyone else involved with this ring, as it happened, so there shouldn’t be any point of contention. It was you who provided me with the ability to purchase it in the first place. Not only that, but it was your carbon, distilled from your DNA, that makes up the stone around which the ring was built, since…
…oh, dear…
The sudden realization fell upon both of us that you and the ring shouldn’t exist in the same time and space. In the real world, you would never see that ring – and I would never consider owning such a ring. What makes it, and makes it special, is that it comes almost entirely from you, and what you left behind. With you still being “here” in the dream, there was no place for the ring to exist. But since it does, you should no longer be around, because, well… you’re dead; that’s the whole point of its existence. Either way, it precludes the idea of you being able to accept my proposal – or, back in the real world, of you still being at my side after having accepted that proposal decades ago.
So as I said, I woke up in pretty much the same place as I would have been left in the dream. Perhaps I’m better off for having had all those years with you that I wouldn’t have had back there; perhaps I’m worse off for being that much older, and unable to find someone who might be your equal to take your place while I still can (then again, would I have been able to do that even with a thirty year head start?). It hurts to realize where I am – and to have it pointed out to me – but this is where I am, and I’m well aware of it. All I can do after that is to get up and get on with my day.
Although… maybe I need to be judicious about when and where I wear that ring, lest I actually find Megumi and it bother her. With that being said, then, all I can do is to ask that you keep your eye on me, honey, and wish me luck. I’m likely to need it.
Letters to Rachel 