Dearest Rachel –
You might remember the character Haruhi Suzumiya, the titular character of Haruhi Suzumiya no Yuutsu. She’s the girl who is essentially the deity of her world, wishing for special powers and beings to exist, but never finding them herself, only to be surrounded by such individuals, who are desperately trying to a.) keep her unaware of who they really are and what they are capable of, and b.) otherwise keep her occupied and content, since if she were to get too bored with her life, she might utterly destroy their world in her melancholy. But they can’t do this directly, so they arrange for an ordinary fellow, only known throughout the series as ‘Kyon’ (who’s none too fond of Haruhi at first) to keep her thus occupied, letting him in on the secret of her status in this, her world.
It’s a name that harkens back a ways; and I realize I’m telling you about her like I would an old girlfriend in the moment. There’s a reason for that; my dream the other night involved her having been just that. Well… almost.
See, it turns out that (in my dream, at least) Kyon wasn’t the first guy she’d tried to dragoon into doing stuff with; it was me. However, the events of the dream took place long after her attempt to connect with me, so nothing happened between us during it. And it was implied that, when she’d asked me whatever it was she wanted us to do together, you and I were still a couple, so I had turned her down flat, regardless of whether or not I was aware of who she was at the time (like Kyon). What she was aware of was our relationship, and does not seem to have borne me any ill will for having rejected her at the time.
However, now that you’re gone, that ship has sailed. In her world, we’re both still students at North High School (despite you having been gone for longer than an entire high school career in Japan), but she’s moved on to Kyon, and he’s the one who’s under pressure to do what she wants him to, lest she destroy the world and restart it from scratch. It would seem that this imperative of “keeping her amused” extends all the way to the pinnacle of human relationships, if you know what I mean (and I think you do). Which was mildly irritating, as I’m now long since available to her, and in theory would have been more than happy for her to ask that of me at this point.
Still, it was weird to have a conversation with her about it, especially about her “first time” with him, and the fact that she fully acknowledged that it could have been with me. This dream version of her still remembered having asked me, point blank, to sleep with her back then, all the while ‘knowing’ I would refuse her because of you – as well as other reasons that probably would have made less sense to her. I think she assumed (both then and now) that all high schoolers were having sex, and she (as always) was missing out on all the “fun.” Then again, since she and I were both high school classmates (and had been for as long as we’d known each other, however long that was – time flows differently in fiction, obviously), I wasn’t the exception to her theory; indeed, thanks to your existence at the time, I was proof of it, despite the fact that, in the real world, you and I didn’t meet until college, and didn’t, erm, come together until we were married. Somehow, Haruhi was unable to perceive that, and I couldn’t let on – even bearing in mind how many years we’d both apparently been attending North High together.
And yet otherwise, this discussion felt surprisingly carefree; I felt perfectly comfortable in asking her, “So… how was it? Everything you expected it to be?”
Her response was equally nonchalant. “Shouldn’t you be asking if it was good for me, too?”
“Naw, that’s for Kyon to ask you, in the moment. If he doesn’t want to engage in a post-coital customer survey with you, I’m certainly not going to. That’s not my place.”
“No, it’s not,” she smirked, before letting her face fall a bit, with a faraway look in her eyes. “It wasn’t everything I’d hoped for; turns out, he isn’t any more experienced than I am.”
“This surprises you?”
“No, of course not. You boys – well, all of you except for Itsuki –”
“Careful; you say his name, and he’ll show up, and you don’t want to be talking about him like that in front of him.”
“Whatever; it clearly doesn’t bother him. In any case, most of you are just bunch of horndogs who talk big, but have no idea what you’re doing.” The wistful look was gone as she fixed her gaze on me, like she was trying to look right through me.
I wasn’t having it. “Am I supposed to take offense at that?”
“I’d have thought you’d object to the second half, so yeah, kinda.”
I shrugged. “What can I say? Look, I’m guilty as charged about the first thing you said, and given that I’m out of practice at this point, I’m not sure that you’re altogether wrong about the second, really. I’m not going to lay claim –”
“Pun intended, I assume.”
“– to be a latter-day Casanova. As I understand it, all of you girls are different as to what makes you tick, and what makes you go cuckoo every half-hour or so. I might have known what to do for Rachel, but you? Yeah, not so much.”
Her intense gaze dropped a bit, as a companionable silence settled on the club room.
Of course, she couldn’t let that last for any great length of time. “You sorry you didn’t get a chance to find out?”
“How to please you? Eh, you knew I’d turn you down – and why. I’m just glad you didn’t take offense.” Given who she is – and what she’s capable of – in this, ‘her’ world, more heartfelt words could not be spoken to her, although she’d never realize it. “If you were to extend the offer again, I don’t know…”
“Well? How about it, then?”
I did what I could to mock recoil; I was pretty sure she was kidding, and this was just banter, but you never knew with her. “Are you kidding? Now the shoe’s on the other foot, girl. I’m not poaching Kyon’s lady, not for the world.” Again, this was a little too on-the-nose, but as long as she didn’t realize the full import of what I was saying, there was no harm done.
“I’m not a lady…”
“That’s for certain,” I grinned.
She gave me a look before continuing, “and I’m not ‘his,’ by any means. Nobody owns me.”
“Eh, touché.” Given that she’s some light novelist’s intellectual property, that might be debatable, but the way she meant it, I certainly understood. “Look, I’m not saying I don’t appreciate the offer, and if you two weren’t an item at this point, I’d be sorely tempted.”
“But…” She could tell I was still going to turn her down, and clearly wanted to know why.
“But… look, how do I put this? I want a commitment out of the girl I marry…”
Now it was her turn to mock recoil. “Hey, I’m not asking to get married…”
“My point exactly. I’d like to think I’m a one-woman man; I’m in it for keeps. It’s actually kind of weird to be ‘on the prowl’ again like this, but it’s not as if she’s coming back, so I’ve got to find someone else. But I want someone who’s willing to stick with me for life.”
“Hold on… you two were married? But you’re only in high school!”
Ohhh, boy. How to explain this?
“Yeah, I guess I am. And I might remind you how long she’s been gone.” It’s at this point that Mikuru entered the club room; for being a time traveler, she’s got a terrible sense of timing.
“Hold on… that’s been… almost four years… shouldn’t we all have graduated by now?” I could see Mikuru’s eyes widen to the size of saucers, and she waved both her palms at me in desperation, silently pleading to me to distract her from this line of thought. I was glad that she was standing outside of Haruhi’s line of vision, or she would have really caught on that something was up. Some day, I need to inveigle Miku-chan in a game of cards; she has absolutely no poker face whatsoever.
“Yeah, well… there’s a lot of things in life that don’t always make sense. Don’t worry about it.
“Anyway…” and I made as if to rise from my chair, but the scene was already dissolving. I wouldn’t even be able to finish my line of thought – assuming I actually had one. It would have been nice to hear her actually offer, but yeah… I couldn’t have accepted, even aside from the fact that she was already shipped (however belligerently) with Kyon. The fact that they had presumably “done it” just sealed the deal that much further. A girl who would cheat with me would eventually cheat on me when she got bored – and getting bored was part and parcel of her nature in particular.
To be fair, my dream wasn’t nearly this detailed in its original form, but most of it is there. Still, I leave it to you to figure out where I embellished this story, and what actually (does that apply when I’m talking about a dream?) happened. Until next time, keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. I’m sure I’m going to need it.
Letters to Rachel 