Stuff and Junk and Stuff

Dearest Rachel –

You might remember one of those many anime gag dubs we used to collect back in the day from Midnight Madnesses past in which a character made fun of the fact that their lips kept moving after they’d essentially said what they had to (and while that has been a running joke going back to the dubs of Godzilla movies and further, it’s a little more pronounced in gag dubs, where the script – such as it is – has nothing to do with what the character was trying to say in the original Japanese), leaving the voice actor to fill in with meaningless words, like a politician. One particular such fandub made a gag of it, by having one character after another trail off with “…and stuff, and junk, and stuff” until such time as the character’s lips stopped moving. Granted, in the retelling of it, it doesn’t seem all that remarkable, or funny, but once this practice was invoked for the third time (and remember, we were watching it in the wee hours of the morning, when everything becomes hilarious, thanks to sleep deprivation), one couldn’t help but laugh.

At the same time, there’s something about this particular absurd filler line that feels so relatable in real life; everything has been said that needs to be, but for some reason, we’re still onstage (or on camera, in this day and age), and we feel as though something ought be happening or said to fill the silence. So, we make do with meaningless stuff… and junk… and stuff… hoping that at some point, someone will be amused by it all (in particular, ourselves at the bare minimum, as we all occupy our own personal stage as the star of our own show).

I can’t speak for anyone else, of course, but I would imagine that I’m not the only – or the first – to notice how empty and unsatisfying some of this vapid vamping can be from time to time. Sure, most of the time there’s some level of noise and activity going on that precludes one from really focusing on just how hollow and empty some of that noise can be; it’s like the background conversation at a crowded party. But have you noticed at such gatherings, every so often there’s this lull in the many concurrent conversations – and sometimes, these individual lulls happen all at once, except for maybe one person who’s still speaking, unaware that all of a sudden, they’re the only one speaking? And what they have to say, while reasonable when spoken to the two or three others around them, borders on inappropriate when inadvertently announced to a large group of people like they’re doing?

Yeah, that’s what it feels like when the recognition hits. There’s this sudden internal silence, apart from a single voice going on at length with no particular point or direction to what it’s saying. Slowly, even it begins to recognize that it’s monologuing, and trails off with little more than “stuff… and junk… and stuff.”

And then things really get awkward, as none of the voices in my head want to deal with the silence, but none of them have any idea how to get the background noise of chatter started up, so as to distract the organic shell that serves as their meeting hall. More often than not, it’s some neuron that decides to play disc jockey, grabbing a song out of the library to play in my head that does it, and with that noise being played, everyone can return to their individual conversations more or less unobtrusively.

This morning, my disc jockey neuron didn’t make what I would call the best choice of song, to be honest.

Maybe it wasn’t the usual one rifling through my memories for music to play – assuming I have a usual one doing so when things get too quiet and awkward inside me. In any event, switching on as it did while on my walk back from the gym, lines like “who is it for?” stand as reminders that the reason I’m doing… whatever it is I’m doing… I’ve no more idea about than when I first found myself asking the question more than three years ago.

And, just as with nearly anyone else I know, this isn’t something I really want to think about. There’s only so much one can dwell on the “why” one does the things they do – especially if they don’t seem to be having the results they’re intended to – before one becomes somewhat overwhelmed by the futility of it all. Once you start to question what it is you’re doing, you really need to be distracted from that line of thought, lest you decide to give up on things and habits that might be doing you some good, even if they aren’t accomplishing what you intended of them. And yes, that sometimes means cramming one’s head with stuff… and junk… and stuff (is it funny this third time around, honey? It doesn’t feel like I’m doing this right) in order to achieve this distraction; although it gets a bit recursive once you become aware that you’re deliberately doing it to distract yourself. But it’s still betting than deciding that there’s no point to the path you’re taking, and just throwing up your hands in surrender.

Needless to say, I still hope you can keep an eye on me in the midst of my efforts, honey, and wish me luck. Clearly, I’m going to need it.