Keeping Secrets

Dearest Rachel –

Let’s start out with the obvious; in a healthy marriage, there should be no secrets to speak of. Oh, there are the occasional birthday surprises, I guess (not everyone is like you, honey, knowing exactly what they want; some guys have to – and some simply love to – come up with things and ideas their paramours might never expect, or wouldn’t have thought of) and some things where it’s agreed upon that “okay, I know all I need to – you really don’t have to go into excruciating detail about this topic,” but by and large, it’s not a good idea to keep things from your life partner. After yesterday’s visit to the hospital, I’d even go so far as to establish that it’s literally healthy to go into great detail about certain issues and needs, so that each of you can tend to the other when those needs become urgent.

That being said, there are some things that, in life, I would be telling you about that I can’t go into detail in a forum like this. Not necessarily because the details are too salacious to be spoken of in public (although that would be a consideration, I can only wish that to be true for the time being), but there are things that I don’t always have the time or energy to go into detail about. As easy as it’s become to write to you at least once a day (I can’t believe that I’ve managed this for nearly thirteen hundred days straight! Then again, it’s hard to come to grips with the fact that you’ve been gone for that long already), it isn’t the same as conversing with you face-to-face, and telling you stories in this manner is a far cry from doing so through mere speech. If nothing else, I have to be somewhat deliberate in terms of topic and organization of my thoughts that an actual conversation doesn’t require me to be.

Granted, the public nature of these letters is a factor in considering the topics I discuss. Yes, talking about the specifics of our love life (or what I might some day be get up to with Megumi, God willing), while something I might want to talk about (and would definitely want to remember for posterity; it’s frightening to observe how fond memories, no matter how treasured, dissolve over time) isn’t appropriate to discuss in front of those who I know could be reading this over your shoulder. But there are also other things that, by their nature, aren’t meant for other eye but our own.

Take giving, for example. I’m going to try to be a vague about this as I can, but while I would discuss this with you face-to-face in the past, this being a family financial issue that requires mutual knowledge and agreement about, that’s no longer the case anymore. I don’t need your consent (and technically, I can’t get it anyway, even if I might very well think I know how you would want certain monies to be spent; without your explicit verbal assent, I can never be entirely sure), and to speak of it in front of others defeats the purpose, at least in part. When Jesus talked about giving to the work of His kingdom, He suggested that the right hand not know what the left hand is doing; an absurd analogy (although there are times when I wonder if certain parts of me are ignorant of what others are doing or wanting to do), but a comic exaggeration that allows one to get the basic point He was trying to get across. We get no credit for our gifts if we make them publicly; or rather, the admiration we might get from doing so is all the credit we get for such actions – “They have their reward,” as He put it. And so, to talk about it to you, in a place like this where others could see it, well… I’d just as soon not go into details.

It probably doesn’t help that, in some cases, I may very well simply be enabling those I give to, and yet I can’t bring myself to extricate myself from the habit. I’m still paying certain monthly expenses on your big brother, for instance, but I worry that its current inhabitants would be hard-pressed to keep up with those self-same expenses. Besides, I’m pretty sure you would have insisted with continue with this process, given the circumstances behind it. But I can’t help but wonder how long this can – or can be expected to – be sustained, and whether it’s really beneficial to them to be unaware of what’s happening behind the scenes. Of course, this isn’t something I’m keeping hidden from you as much as from them, but secrets are secrets; while theoretically, they can find out (or at least, glean certain inklings) about what’s going on from reading over your shoulder, I don’t necessarily expect that to happen. This is, after all, a form of therapy for me; whether anyone else reads these is hardly a concern of mine.

And yet, I do concern myself with it, to the point where not everything can be spelled out like it would be if we were discussing this with each other in person. It can’t be helped, I suppose; some things just aren’t meant to be aired publicly. If you were able to keep an eye on me directly, there would be no need for this obfuscation. So I will continue to ask that you do so, and wish me luck, as I’m sure I’m going to need it.