Giving Up Too Easily?

Dearest Rachel –

While it was good to see you last night in my dream, I found it rather confusing. For whatever reason, you seemed to be upset with me. Something about ‘giving up’ on you too easily, as you prepared to leave – which I don’t mind telling you, seemed very out of character for you; mostly in that it seemed you were about to walk out of the relationship, but that you were upset at me for being willing to let you go.

Admittedly, I was questioning myself about it, too; why would I let you go, when you were still here? If you were still around, and only making plans to walk out, I would like to think that I would do my level best to figure out how to make things work out between us. Instead, you pointed out how I was looking somewhere else for companionship. And again, with you in front of me, I had no answer to your charge. Why, indeed, would I do that?

Why? Well, I wanted to protest, “wait a minute, you’re the one who’s wanting to leave,” but it died in my throat. You may have been saying that, but perhaps it was meant to some kind of test, and by shrugging my shoulders and letting you go, I was failing it – and you were letting me know that I was.

But such a test of my willingness to fight for our relationship didn’t seem like the sort of thing you would do; that sort of subterfuge, even that suspicion of me, was so out of character for you as to completely throw me. Was I even talking to you at all?

Of course, I wasn’t. I didn’t get much further into trying to parse this whole discussion before I found myself lying in bed, mostly awake, and realizing that you were no longer there to leave me – you had already left. Not willingly, to be sure, although even if there was a way to bring you back, I doubt you would want to return. There would be no point to me following you to the afterlife like Orpheus; not only would I not be able to find the entrance, nor would I be able to persuade the Lord to let you return, but you wouldn’t want to go back, in any event. You would probably send me back, telling me that I’d be able to rejoin you soon enough; after all, what are thirty years (if that) on the scale of eternity?

Then again, would it – does it – bother you if I were to turn around and head back to the land of the living to wait for my appointed time? Should I at least try to put up a struggle to recover you? Or should I concede that, if I love you, I should be able to trust you to make the right decisions for yourself, and let you go and make those decisions on your own, assuming that if it’s meant to be, you will return at some point?

It occurs to me that fighting to bring you back to my side would be a fruitless endeavor, especially if it involves contending with you directly. If I have to overcome resistance to win you over (again), who’s to say that won’t happen again throughout the remainder of our relationship? And how many times might it come up, if one of us were to think we were coerced into it? Wouldn’t there be some lingering resentment at being ‘forced’ into staying together? Would it be worth it, for either of us?

Now, bear in mind, this is not a conundrum I ever had to deal with between you and I. You never thought to test me like this, so I never had to try to constantly win you back over. It’s possible that, if pressed, I might have had it too easy, and wouldn’t know how to do so, if it ever came to that. I don’t know whether to be grateful for this fact, or realize that I’m woefully unprepared for life after you, as I will have to somehow persuade someone else to take up the role you played so well, and I’m not capable of doing that. Heck, I’m hard-pressed to figure out even simple surprising romantic gestures, as those never appealed to you; being so out of practice renders me somewhat unfit for a lot of potential ‘Megumi’s.

I guess my mind is considering the days ahead, and wondering how things are going to go. Of course, there’s no knowing, at this point. All I can do is to make my way forward, and let the chips fall where they may. In the meantime, honey, if you could keep an eye on me, and wish me luck, that would be appreciated. After all, I’m clearly going to need it.