Visiting Dreams

Dearest Rachel –

Most dreams, especially in those first few moments after you wake up from them, are so outlandish as to be impossible. That’s really what makes them so fascinating; where did our subconscious mind even come up with these scenarios? Folks like Freud and Jung made careers – and history – out of their attempts to classify and interpret certain forms of dreams; what they represent, and what they might mean. Are they based on a real life desire, and what is that desire?

Then, there are the dreams that straddle the line between proper dreams and daydreams. These are the sorts of stories that are, if not likely, at least possible, within certain parameters. Given my circumstances, and the time and money I have at my disposal, that includes a wider range of activities than for most people. At the same time, in the first cold light of morning, most of them are really just as strange and random as the usual category of dreams. Not only that, but the fact that they are dreams rather than daydreams usually takes them in a direction that wouldn’t occur to my conscious mind in the first place; once it’s awake to consider the possibilities proposed by the subconscious, it usually dismisses them out of hand, even as it admits they might just be doable.

Such it was this morning, as my mind found myself going back over my travels, for some reason. Not so much the places I’ve visited – although one of them did factor into the story, since if it hadn’t, there wouldn’t be a need to relate it – but rather certain people that call those places home – or at least close enough to their home to make a visit possible.

That’s a lot to cover by way of introduction, I know; I’m not sure if any of the rest of this is likely to make sense to you, either. The names of these content creators aren’t going to ring any bells with you, since we weren’t watching them back in the day – and I haven’t really researched them well enough to know if they were even creating back when we were watching stuff together as a family. But I’d watched one or two things by Ros Mo at some point since your departure, thanks to the algorithm, and while we were in Philippine waters, it proceeded to recommend a similar artist/storytimer by the name of Honobread. Both of these creators appear to be based in the Philippines – although until watching Ros Mo’s storytime tale of her experience at what appeared to be her first anime convention, I wasn’t aware of this – and that’s where this dream must have stemmed from.

Because you see somehow, my dream took me back to… Manila, I guess? where I was hoping to meet up with Ros and possibly Hono (I’m not as sure about her, but there was more than just the two of us), in order to wander about the town. To be honest, I can’t recall too many of the details, especially after several hours of being awake since then. But it actually did seem a bit realistic, even involving a few places I stopped at when I was there.

Except… I think that, even in the midst of it all, I was realizing how improbable this was. It’s not as if either (any? I still don’t recall how many others were there) of them would have known me from Adam. Why, I don’t even make comments on their videos, so it’s not as if there’s any level of para-social interaction between us. Likewise, I wouldn’t know them from Eve; they each have their own avatar that has evolved over the course of a few years, but which may very well not resemble them in the slightest. It’s part of the reason why I had every intention of being an animated character in the channel I hoped to create, because I had (and still have) no great faith in my own telegenicness; for all I know, they may have similar issues, whether justified or not, and prefer to hide behind a cartoon face that may not resemble them at all. So none of us have ever interacted with each other; we wouldn’t even be able to recognize each other – so how would this scenario come to pass?

For that matter, why would I (or rather, my subconscious) want this to be a thing in the first place? Sure, Manila was nice enough, I guess, but it wouldn’t be my first place to go back to, given the choice. Seeing it again would be pleasant enough with others more familiar with it to show me around, but why those two? Do I really think that, having watched them tell stories about their lives and misadventures, I actually know anything about them? Hardly.

And so, when I woke up, I realized that, yes, I could get back there – theoretically, I can go back to any place I’ve been to, since I’ve already proven I could get there before – but would anything play out the way my subconscious had scripted it? Not a chance. Really, it’s the sort of thing that puts this closer to a daydream than a real one, apart from the fact that it wouldn’t have crossed my conscious mind to come up with something like this – nor would it be an experience I would have aspired to, in part because I’m well aware of this lack of connection between these artists and myself.

Still, I’ll give my subconscious credit for a surprisingly realistic-looking scenario, and an experience that, for what little I can recall, was enjoyable enough. I just have to remind him that, just because he can make it look real, doesn’t mean it can actually be made real. For all the chance of this coming true, I think I’d just as soon see you a bit more often, and converse with you.

But until you get the chance to visit me again in my dreams, honey, keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.