Fade Prevention

Dearest Rachel –

I would have at least started this letter earlier, but for the last couple of hours, the ship’s internet connection has been out, for reasons unknown to me – and now that it is up and running, I guess there’s really no reason to pursue the matter any further. I did kill a little time by watching a few things I had brought on various hard drives that I’d collected for just this sort of occasion, but as I did, I realized how much they were meant to be watched together; they’re not meant for me to watch alone.

Which is a pity, as that’s all I’m ever going to be able to do with them.

At least the internet is back up now, so I don’t have to keep going on with any of that. Maybe at some point, I’ll tell you about these titles, and why they cut so deeply, even though (perhaps especially because) you never got a chance to see the first frame of either of them. For now, though, I think I need to take advantage of yet another sea day, and get started on packing up the latest round of souvenirs (and filming the same, so the gang is aware of what’s coming home with me).

But before I do that, it so happens that there are a couple of other things I should put away, even though there’s still a good three and a half weeks left to this trip. Just the other day, I took a look at the animesque images I’d commissioned of you from one anime convention or another. Most of them look fine; they’re basically unchanged since I hung them up in the room, which is as it should be. But two of them, probably the best drawn in my opinion, are suffering badly from the effects of the sun streaming into the room. You can see the difference between the original images as I received them and their current sunwashed appearance…

…and you can see why I’ve felt the need to put them away, lest they fade that much further.

There’s this feeling that there’s an analogy behind this; I’ve had these posters since last summer, but they’ve basically been buried under papers and photos and other stuff in the office. They’re meant to be displayed, but never have been until I (somewhat impulsively) decided to take them with me and hang them up in here. But now that I have been displaying them – which is their sole purpose, to be seen and enjoyed – they’re beginning to fade, like so many of my memories of you.

Is this a sign that, by trying to remember our times together – and in the process of doing so, telling you more about my present and future rather than revisiting the past that you inhabit – I’ve been pouring sunlight on those very memories, to the point where they’re becoming unrecognizable? I would think that, by stuffing them away, they would fade that much faster – to the point where I wouldn’t be able to remember where I put them – but clearly, displaying them is doing these particular images no favors; who’s to say that sort of thing doesn’t apply to memories as well?

I’m sure it could be argued that, by making a point of dropping everything to make sure that I write you every single day, I’m getting in my own way of moving forward. Every day, I find myself pausing to take a look back, if only to address you about what’s going on in my life and my head. Is this something I shouldn’t be doing? Am I just damaging myself and the images in my mind? Should I put you away, lest those memories sustain further injury?

I honestly don’t know anymore, honey. What I do know is that I need to pack these particular posters down before they get any worse; whether I can or should draw any further conclusions from this as an example of something more is up for debate. And with that being said, I suppose I ought to pack the rest of my stuff up, as this trip is starting to wind down (which is weird, considering I got an email from Royal Caribbean about how “in less than a week, you’ll be on the Serenade of the Seas!” referring to the final segment of this Asia/Pacific cruise, as if the Singapore-to-Dubai leg was where I would be starting on it all. You’d think they’d keep better track of their passengers, but whatever…)

So with that having been said, I guess I can still ask you to keep an eye on me, honey, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.