Not So Easily Said

Dearest Rachel –

As much as I’m not particularly fond of their attitudes, I have to give the TikTokers their due. Being able to talk straight through everything, without hesitation, without self-consciousness – I’d say it was easier said than done, but the whole point is that it’s not so easily said at all. For me to talk without a script leaves me hemming and hawing, with various tics, such as ‘umm’s and ‘uhh’s, as well as the occasional click of my tongue against my teeth. It’s irritating to listen to as I try to edit it.

Although, thank heavens, I am able to edit that, so the viewer doesn’t have to struggle through all of that. It’s actually surprisingly simple to pull the offending pauses out, and make it look like I’m talking straight through – although there’s a lot of jerky moments on my part because of it, since it’s not as if I don’t move ever so slightly from one moment to the next. Then again, it isn’t all that different from John and Hank Green, back when they were just communicating with each other over YouTube. The only difference is that the “vlog brothers,” as they were known at the time, were in the vanguard of what YouTube was to become; in contrast, I’m at least 10 years behind the learning curve.

Of course – and this is the thing that we, as content consumers always forget – everyone was new to this at one point. Everyone struggled to get accustomed to the process of making these things – and those that intended to make a living at it either didn’t publish their first attempts without polishing them as best they knew how, or they removed those now-cringey early material as ‘not being like them,’ I’m sure. And while the internet may be forever, and the old stuff may exist somewhere, the fact that new content is coming at us like a firehose at a teacup preclude all but the most avid followers from trying to go down the rabbit holes of their favorite creators’ history.

But history is all I have – and not the infotainment type of history that I follow with people like Cory, Josh, Rudyard or Jack. I’m talking personal history; both the stuff I’ve dredged up throughout the course of dealing with your loss (like finding this or that in the house as Jan and I purged the stuff I was never going to use again, or remembering something or other as I would write you) as well as the stories I’m continuing to make going forward. And the latter stuff is happening in real time, so I have to have the camera out and the record button ‘on’ so I can capture it as it happens. It puts me on the spot to extemporize right there and then, and I’m not good at it yet. I may never be good at it – old dogs and new tricks, don’t you know. But I’ve got to try, as I’ve got only a few moments until the curtain really rises.

But I suppose, if you can put up with the slight awkwardness of my attempting to converse with you by way of the camera’s eye, at least you’ll get a reasonably honest take of my thoughts and reactions to things as they happen. Not that there’s much to react to yet, but we’ll get there soon enough. I was hoping to explain what I was trying to accomplish on Tuesday (although without a pre-planned script, I think I lost a lot of what I’d intended to tell you – not that I’ve managed to recall much of it since):

…and then yesterday, after visiting my travel agent – which means that I’m finally coming to terms with the realization that this is actually happening – I put together a few impressions of what I still need to do (and get) in order to properly prepare for this trip. In retrospect, it feels like I should have at least done a bit in which I greeted the receptionist – although considering that, while trying to film my entrance, I actually walked past the office door, thinking there was another one around the corner, maybe that wouldn’t have been all that brilliant after all. 

By the way, when I say that the meeting took longer than expected, I meant it; I was in there for nearly two hours, going over it all. It seems that, even for them – and they’re supposedly one of the largest cruise-specific travel agencies in the country – my trip here is a big deal. There was a client on their way out as I waited in reception for my agent who actually greeted me with “oh, so you’re the gentleman who’s going on that world cruise!”

I don’t mind telling you, that’s a weird sensation, to be acknowledged like that.

So I’m well aware that what I’m doing is unusual, and whether I’m ready or skilled enough to do it justice or not, I need to document this for posterity – as well as to keep everyone appraised who might be reading (and watching) over your shoulder. Hopefully, with a little planning, and a fair amount of practice, this will be at least a little more easy on the eyes as things go along.

But until then (and even if that day actually arrives), keep an eye on me, honey, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.