How Broken Am I?

Dearest Rachel –

As much as I admit there are things that I need to get done before the end of this week and I head out, there are times when I’m just not motivated to do so. Daniel and I get home from our night working at Sparks, Logan comes down from his room to join, and (after insisting that he get rid of some milk and eggs he’d bought and prepared, respectively, before Christmas – he ruined a face mask in the process from his reaction to having to do so) the boys hang out together in the family room, watching anime or whatever. As I’ve told you many times before, I don’t feel like I belong in the midst of whatever they’re doing (anything becomes uncool when a parent gets involved), so I retreat from the scene.

By all rights, I should probably then go and do whatever it is that I really need to – laundry, perhaps, or possibly some bills, or maybe there’s something else that I’ve been meaning to take care of before I run out of time. But I’ve just gotten too used to hanging out in the bedroom on my own and watching videos myself, and to be honest, after an evening out, I’m not in the mood to do much of anything. So I don’t. You remember this life; you would understand.

In fact, you might actually enjoy the fact that these days, I’ve started to take in a few channels that would be more your style than mine. You know, like the horror genre – stuff that goes into the dark underbelly of the internet, particularly with regard to true crime and missing persons. I really can’t explain as to why; indeed, you’d think that creepy stuff like this should be the last thing I’d want to be watching when alone in a dark room. It ought to be giving me nightmares, and yet I can’t seem to set it aside. To be fair, the two channels like this that I frequent have narrators with calm, soft voices… almost soothing to listen to, despite the content. The fact that I prefer the episodes with solved mysteries – you know, something with at least some closure – suggests I have some limits yet, but it’s something we might have snuggled up together while watching, I think.

I’ve also been tuning in to save manga and anime review channels, and been learning about certain titles that I might not otherwise find myself reading – at least, I wouldn’t have gone looking for them, back in the day. They tend to be on the darker side now, for what I can only say are similarly inexplicable reasons. Maybe I need to hear about people who are doing worse than I am (although most folks would probably say they fall in that category, and perhaps justifiably so) in order to feel better about myself – although coming to such a conclusion doesn’t exactly make me feel terribly good about myself. What kind of monster engages in such schadenfreude, anyway?

Still, at least I can console myself with the thought that this is only fiction… right?

Although… some of it seems realistic enough that… maybe it isn’t.

My most recent find was a title called Oyasumi Punpun, or “Goodnight Punpun,” and it’s not easy to summarize – and there are some nasty spoilers that you wouldn’t want to know about (but I needed to learn before even considering delving into it). The title character is growing up in a dysfunctional family, trying to make his way the best a kid like himself can, but he doesn’t really see himself on the same level as those around him.

Now, we all have trouble picturing ourselves with the same granular detail as we do others, since we only see ourselves occasionally in mirrors and such, but Punpun really doesn’t see himself like other people. Granted, it could be argued that this is also a stylistic choice by the mangaka Inio Asano, so that any reader can relate to Punpun, as he doesn’t have a specific ‘look’ to him – “he might be me,” the reader is expected to think. We’re expected to relate to the trials he goes through, and the choices (mostly bad) that he makes along the way.

Thus far, I have yet to actually pick up a copy of this manga, as I’m not sure I want to relate to this guy. But I won’t deny that this story is intriguing. One reviewer has described its overarching theme as “the broken cannot be happy,” while pointing out that Punpun isn’t the only broken character in the manga – indeed, one would be hard-pressed to find anyone in it that isn’t broken, to some extent or another.

It actually begs the question; is everyone broken? Am I? And if so, to what extent? Does it really preclude happiness?

Look, clearly, I haven’t been through the same sort of things that this character has been through, nor have I reacted (or, more accurately, failed to react) as he has. But loss is loss, and it affects us; it’s safe to say that it damages us. As I’ve gone through your old studies, I will occasionally come across admissions that you always feared loss – it was why you hung onto stuff, it seems – only for loss to catch up with you as you had to say goodbye to both of your parents, who you dearly loved (which is more than Punpun could say about his). That had to have been damaging in its own right, and suddenly I find myself sorry that I hadn’t done more for you while you were going through all that.

Although… what could I have done differently, I wonder? 

***

This may seem like an abrupt change of topic, but I’ve considered trying to write (heaven knows, I haven’t the art skills to draw) a manga about our life together and dealing with life since your departure. I’m thinking of calling it “After Happily Ever,” in a twist on the usually final line of your bog-standard fairy tale. There would probably be three separate arcs: Before, During and, well, After. I’ve already pictured a few scenes from the ‘Before’ volume; granted, they’re not based on actual events that happened at college, but you’d probably recognize them if I were to describe them to you.

Now, part of the problem with this idea is that I don’t know where the ‘After’ arc would go. I haven’t gotten to the point where I know what’s going to happen, because it hasn’t happened yet. It would be nice if Megumi were to show up – or somebody would turn into her. On the other hard, it seems that the most truly interesting stories are the ones where things don’t work out for the protagonist; after learning about Oyasumi Punpun, I’ve come to the conclusion that I couldn’t write anything nearly so compelling, but also that I wouldn’t want to live a life so awful as that so I could. In fairness, though, I’ve had too much of a good life that I think I’m past achieving his level of despair. I’ve been given opportunities – and hopefully, made better decisions – that he hasn’t, and thus, even in dealing with life ‘after’ you, I’m not in so deep of a hole that I can’t climb out of.

And I’m not about to decide to reverse that situation just for the sake of a ‘good’ story, either.

Anyway, I guess I need to work on motivation again today, honey. Keep an eye on me, and wish me luck; I’m going to need it.