Of Salt Cellars and Selfie Sticks

Dearest Rachel –

I realize I’m not the easiest person to shop for, in terms of Christmas presents. It’s even worse when I come up with ideas that are either too late or too esoteric (or both) to hunt down in time. But sometimes, that’s what happens; I come up with an idea long after I should, both for their sake and mine – consider it a tangible representation of l’esprit de l’escalier.

Although, in my defense, I think the situation with Dad may have caused it to slip my mind, in terms of letting the family know that I wanted a “salt cellar,” or maybe, just a salt shaker – I’m not entirely sure if they’re two different things, or the former is just a fancy name for the latter. By the time I did verbalize the request, it was long after what was bought would be bought; and in any event, no one seemed to understand the point of asking for just one – or if they did, what would be suitable for my purpose.

I can’t say that I blame them; who goes around with something like this, spreading their loved one’s ashes around the world? And for those who do, wouldn’t it be disrespectful to use some ordinary diner-quality salt shaker to carry them along the way?

So no, I didn’t get one for Christmas, and that’s perfectly fine. Sometimes, the best course of action is for me to get one for myself to do the job. Besides, I’m already kicking myself for not having thought of this idea when Daniel and I circumnavigated Japan. I know you want most of your ashes scattered off Middle Bass Island, and I promise you I’ll take care of that, but wouldn’t it have been cool to have a little bit of yourself left behind in Japan, where you wanted to take your son to see the places you’d been to (as best as possible) with me?

So yeah… very physical representation of l’esprit de l’escalier.

Of course, there’s a lot of world I still plan to visit – and soon – so this idea also comes as a physical representation of “better late than never.” 

You’ll notice that the salt shaker (or rather, spice shaker; guess they didn’t want to be so limited in their usage, which is reasonable) is a step or two above that of your diner-quality dispenser. Not only is it a bit larger (which is good in itself, as there are a lot of places I still want to visit, and leave a bit of you behind), but it also has a top that allows various levels of flow – including, especially, one that doesn’t let anything out at all. Which will be particularly useful when including it in my luggage. No sense in having you leak out into my suitcase; it may be going everywhere I plan to, but I certainly have no intention of leaving it anyplace.

You might also notice that it’s not alone in this shipment; while I was wandering through the Amazon catalog (so to speak), it occurred to me that I might want photographic evidence of myself sprinkling you here and there. And since it’s difficult to take a picture of myself as it is, having to hold the camera phone with one hand and press the button to take the picture with the other, I thought a selfie stick might just be in order. Not only does it appear to have a bluetooth connection to the phone, allowing one to press the button on the handle and snap the shot with one finger, by holding the phone as much as a yard away from myself, I can let it include all the action in the shot.

Now, if only I can figure out how… it occurs to me that I ought to have opened this box up a day or two before. I sure one or more of the girls could have helped me figure out how to use this thing. Then again, maybe not – I know at least one of them has an aversion to being photographed entirely; she’d never use a selfie stick, so why would she bother to learn how?

And that’s the story of the salt shaker and the selfie stick. Just give me a month to figure out how to properly use the latter, and soon I’ll be showing you your many final resting places. I should warn you, your first one will probably be in a flower garden outside an In-N-Out Burger in Los Angeles – I hope you don’t consider that too disrespectful (I’m sure you’d prefer the original Downey, CA, Taco Bell, but I don’t think I’d have time or means to get down there).

Regardless, keep an eye on me, and wish me luck; I’m going to need it.