More Time At the Office

No one on his deathbed ever said, ‘I wish I had spent more time at the office.’

Arnold M. Zack, labor and management arbitrator

Dearest Rachel –

Well, this is certainly one quote that I never needed to learn through experience. Even going back before turning into the worker drone that society expected me to become, I knew better than to dedicate my life to my career: I may have done well at school, but that didn’t mean I liked staying there any later than I had to (although I accepted that certain extracurriculars would serve to buff my résumé, just as I expect you knew from your own school career. Winning state championships didn’t hurt, either). And once I got into the work farce, while there may have been times where the job itself or the money we needed rather demanded it, it was never something I enjoyed doing in and of itself.

Even the people I worked with, while I tried to be as pleasant as possible with them, I didn’t really want anything to do with outside of work. This was a compartment of my life that I tried to keep separate from the rest of it. When I wasn’t working, I really didn’t want to be reminded of my job. This probably means that one day, I’ll be called to account for why I didn’t encourage others to join us at our church where they could hear from the Lord and possibly come to Him, but from my perspective, those who were receptive usually seemed to have their own home churches, and those who really could have used the opportunity were unreceptive (and in some cases, outright hostile) in any event.

These things are coming to mind both as I deal with my present schedule and as I go through the few tapes I’ve been able to find thus far that you brought back from your folks’ place (I don’t doubt there are plenty more, by the way, but as I’ve said before, they are precious few among stacks of now-unimportant old television shows, I’m sorry to say). I’ve little need or desire to see myself on camera, but it is mildly distressing to see how little I figure in to these portions of your life – of course, you would probably point out that it was because I was working that you could take the time to visit your parents with Daniel (and also add that some of the vignettes I’ve found predate your even meeting me, so there’s that as well).

As a side note – and wholly unrelated to the topic at hand – I’ve noticed that you’re consistently quiet on camera compared to just about everyone else. This goes for the vacation footage I shot back in the day, as much as this older stuff from your folks. People may remember you as an ebullient, effervescent personality that ‘bounded up to’ people (to borrow Ellen’s phrase when she described first meeting you), but when the camera is rolling, you’re very nearly the quietest person in the shot. You say very little, and what you do say is so much quieter than nearly everyone else that it tends to be covered up. It’s been quite the challenge to get enough clean voice samples for this project I’m working on – which comes as no real surprise, as you didn’t seem enthusiastic about any thoughts of actually participating on-microphone with my plans for a YouTube channel. Still, I think that if I’d asked, you’d have been willing to help out now and again, and I’d be so much better off on this score (would it have been any encouragement if I’d have told you that, once I had the first fifty minutes of your voice, I’d never need to ask you for more?)

But getting back to what’s there; it’s weird to be seeing moments that I wasn’t a part of for the first time (although the scene where I’m a part of feel almost as far removed, being at least twenty-five years ago). It would have been nice to have been there for and with you, but… well, duty called, I suppose. The one comfort lay in the fact that, deep down, you knew that I felt this way, and didn’t take it as a personal affront that I wasn’t able to be there all the time. Indeed, you made it clear that you were grateful that I wasn’t insistent that you do likewise to support the family; all that was needed was for you to be there for Daniel in a way that I wasn’t able to.

The irony is that, once I was able to retire, I still spent full days at the ‘office’ in my folks’ basement, away from you and Daniel. To be sure, given that Dad was still recovering from his medical emergency at the time (and has never returned to full functionality since, nor will he – age and all that, you know), this seemed to be the logical course of action; be within call of the one who might need help the most. I also had my post-retirement plans, and even without those, there were responsibilities regarding church and camp that required my attention – and of course, all this busyness would serve to keep both body and mind active, rather than spending my days in idleness, even if they were to be with you. Besides, now that I was at liberty, you could join me at the office whenever you wished (allowing Daniel to spend time with his remaining grandparents in the process at the same time), so it’s not like we were kept apart. You and I even worked on planning our last couple of trips together there before everything came crashing down. It all made perfect sense for me to continue my ‘office’ life – until it didn’t

Nowadays, I almost never spend a full day at the ‘office’ anymore. Part of this is because I’ve given up the dream of being a YouTuber – not only do I now realize that I would never have caught on, but I’ve heard some of our favorites complain about their work/life imbalances (one in particular talked about either eleven-hour working days, or working until eleven at night; neither option seems desirable), and I knew long before you had to go how important it was to have a life outside of even a job I might otherwise love. Not only that, but I’ve questioned whether this really was something I wanted for myself, and why – and decided against it. It’s a bit of a pity, considering what might have been, but it no longer seems worthwhile.

And then, there are the calls of life itself. Meeting Lars to walk and talk over lunch once a week (and there are others I get together with on occasion); working out a couple of other times during the week; and even just the need to run my own errands, however poorly planned, take me away from being there for a full nine-to-five day. I haven’t had one all week, and in fact, I’d be hard pressed to tell you the last time I did spend a full eight hours straight here – or when I will next. And I wish I’d have been able to do more of this back in the day when you were still around.

Still, it isn’t as if I’ve been idle; nor have I been completely eschewing business. Indeed, I’ve actually started a modest commercial venture, putting together the odd design here and there and offering them for sale as a studio under the umbrella of one of the places you used to buy many of your t-shirts from. In fact, I got a few of them for myself that just arrived the other day, so you can see for yourself:

At least I’m not wishing I was back at the office.

Anyway, I’ll talk to you later, honey. Keep an eye on me in the meantime, and wish me luck; I’m going to need it.