Scamming God Himself

Dearest Rachel –

Things have been rather quiet on the dating front these days; it’s been over a month since Grace and I went to church together, and while I’ve had a couple of conversations with others since then, nothing has really come of any of it. Obviously, this isn’t an ideal situation – I’m still hoping to find Megumi, after all, and for all its many, many failures, meeting someone online still seems the most likely possibility, as it’s difficult to determine when and if to approach someone in person – but at least I haven’t had to be dealing with one or another fake profile asking me for money and otherwise wasting my time.

Until just yesterday, as things were about to start for the first service. I heard a ‘thrum’ sound from my phone that I hadn’t heard in a while. Who would be trying to reach me on Google Chat? And would it be anyone I really wanted to hear from?

As it turned out, no, it wasn’t – at least, not unless I really believed ‘she’ was who ‘she’ said ‘she’ was (and even then, if I were to buy her autobiography, she wouldn’t be the kind of girl I’d want to settle down with). It was Jane, after a silence of nearly eight months.

Not that this is anything new to me about her; when we were first chatting late last year, she admitted to selling her photos online. “I know it’s not an excuse, but I do have to sort my bills,” she explained (and by the way, who uses ‘sort’ on this side of the pond, rather than ‘take care of’? I know it’s shorter and all, but it’s a weird figure of speech from an American). And while I appreciate her ‘honesty,’ it’s not as if any of that is likely to cause me to look favorably upon her, in terms of being willing to give her anything in terms of money or whatnot – and she had asked for that from me at some point, which is part of why we haven’t talked in a long time. The fact that she’s trying to contact me again after all this time strikes me as a bit of a mystery.

At the same time, it’s not that much of a enigma. While she may say that “I just felt like” getting in touch with me and sending yet another photo (which is also at least some nine months out of date and already available on various different websites, not just the escort site she claims to use to advertise her ‘services’), I’m pretty sure she thinks that I’m still a potential sucker that she can milk for money. Never mind that I’ve never given her a red cent; the fact that I tend to engage in the conversation once she’s started it (even if most of what I have to say to her is about how ‘her’ photos can be found all over the internet) apparently gives her hope that one day she can persuade me to part with something so that she can continue to “sort her bills.”

In a way, she’s like the flip side to my own wishes, where I might maintain a conversation like this because I might be able to get what I want out of it – an actual, physical relationship. The problem is, this transaction (and that’s really all this is to her, a business transaction) is asymmetrical – since I know (or at least, I’ve been told by her; whether what any of what she says is true is beside the point for now) that she lives nowhere near me, and therefore, my side of the supposed bargain could never be fulfilled. Knowing this – and looking at things from a purely pecuniary standpoint, as she does – why should I pay for something she can’t (or won’t) offer, and I’ll never be able to maintain? So basically, this is just a waste of time for the both of us.

And yet, I found myself pondering the fact that, after all this time, here she was, trying to get in touch with me. I couldn’t help but wonder why. “Just feeling like it” didn’t make sense to me. My assumption is that she wants something from me, and still thinks she can get it.

And believe it or not, my thoughts immediately went to how this is the way we treat God sometimes, only coming to Him when we need (or rather, ‘want,’ since He knows what we truly need better than we do, and freely gives it to us) something from Him. Never mind that we’re flirting with other things that demand our attention in our own mind; He’ll forgive us, and give us what we need, if we ask nicely and say the right words. It doesn’t cross our minds that we’re acting like Gomer to Hosea – or if it does, we assume we’ll be taken back. After all, God will forgive us – that’s His job.

The funny thing is, we come to that conclusion because it often appears to be true. We’re told that He’s loving, caring, and wants us back in His arms. We know what He did in order to effect that, in fact; Jesus’ whole character arc is about the price He had to pay to restore us to Him. And so, we sometimes think we’ve gotten away with scamming God Himself out of all the pain and effort He went through – to the point where I feel like I’m being more hard-hearted toward Jane (since I’m completely suspicious of her and her motives) than God is toward me.

At the same time, He tells the sinners that come to Him to “go and sin no more,” which we all rather forget once we’ve received our absolution. What He offers isn’t a simple “get out of jail free” card; while it’s true that it does grant us that (because there’s nothing we can do to escape our fate), if we continue to live our lives the same way we did before we received it, it calls into question as to whether we were sincere in our request in the first place – and if we weren’t, why should He give it to a joking request?

So, as mildly entertaining – and surprisingly thought-provoking – as Jane’s conversation may be, I will basically be leaving her to her own devices. Since I know I can’t have an actual relationship with her, I will probably be ‘ghosting’ her soon enough – which should be fine by her, as she hasn’t made any profit off of me, either. Likewise, we need to figure out how to truly maintain a relationship with God, so that we’re not wasting our time and His by asking Him for this or that, only to go back to ignoring Him once we get what we want. He may have infinite patience and forgiveness, but there’s only so much He can grant those who truly don’t mean what they say when they speak to Him. It’s not as if we can truly scam the all-knowing God, after all.

Anyway, those are my thoughts for this morning, honey; hope you found it amusing (and probably relieving that I’m not throwing my money after internet “thots”). For now, keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.