Dearest Rachel –
I won’t call what I woke up with this morning a dream, as such. There’s no particular story to tell you about, exactly. But in going over the situation as I see it from a distance, there’s a moral to be grasped from it all; not a particularly uplifting or encouraging one, but a moral nonetheless.
This probably requires a bit of context to start with, however. I found myself thinking about a certain animator we used to watch on YouTube; one of those ones whose style was simple enough (indeed, she claimed to have learned her craft just from studying ‘how-tos’ on the internet and YouTube herself) that it made me think that I could do something similar. Much of her work, too, was based on stories of her personal experiences, and (occasionally) how they could be applied on a more general level to her viewers’ own lives. Sound familiar? Yeah, it’s very much the sort of thing I thought I might be able to do, especially given my perspective as a member of an older generation; I figured I could tell the kids who might be watching that “hey, I made it to this point, and you can, too.”
But somewhere along the line, her content began to change. Instead of talking about herself (although there were examples now and then), her stories began to focus more and more on gaming, and immersing her ‘self’ within the game and describing the experience of playing. It was still a unique take on the concept; rather than becoming just another Let’s Player, she was describing the experience through her animation, with herself in the role of the protagonist character. But, not being a gamer myself – and the games she played not piquing any particular interest in me – my personal enthusiasm for her work began to wane. I didn’t watch her channel as regularly as we used to; although I’m sure that, by picking up fans of the games (who obviously shared her interests more than I do) she doesn’t miss that fact.
However, at some point early on as her content started shifting toward gaming, she also posted a couple of particularly personal videos, talking about her struggles with social anxiety. And somehow, it just occurred to me this morning that this may have been part of why she altered direction in what she was producing for public consumption.
As brave as this might be for her to discuss – and as relatable as the topic might be among her presumed audience – this can’t have been an easy thing for her to talk about. Indeed, the whole point of the topic comes down to how difficult it is for her to communicate with others in a public setting. And while it doesn’t feel like it at the time you’re uploading stuff to it, there’s no question that YouTube (and the internet in general) is a very public setting. To be discussing the fact that she has trouble with public interaction as a public interaction has to sort of generate a recursive loop of discomfort that, while she may feel the need to get it out there (if for no other reason than to explain her irregular output schedule), she’d just as soon not dwell on in this public setting any more than she has to.
Besides, if this were to define of her character and her content going forward, what would that do to her channel? Sure, she could spend time going through her struggles to escape her anxieties, and the things she does in order to accomplish it. It could easily serve as an example and illustration (quite literally) of how to survive for those watching her and finding her struggles eminently relatable. But this isn’t something that can be adequately described, let alone solved, over the course of a fifteen-minute cartoon ‘story time’ feature. It’s quite possible that emerging from social anxiety might take a lifetime, and there won’t even be a solution for her to offer her fans.
But even if she finds one, would it be something that could be given to them? At this point, she’s no longer putting out content on her own; she has a team of artists and animators working with and for her to create her videos. I would suspect that, out of necessity, having to work with other people has forced her to deal with her problem in a way that should at least improve her personal situation, but this circumstance isn’t really applicable to her viewers as a viable means of dealing with their own problem.
And then, there’s always the possibility that, by solving her own problems while they continue to struggle with theirs, she might damage her brand because she’s no longer ‘relatable’ to them. Sure, assuming she succeeds, she might be able to tell them “I conquered this; you can too, and here’s how,” but there’s always the chance that what worked for her won’t work for other people (indeed, as I just mentioned, it might not even be possible for most of them, apart perhaps from a basic “get out there and start working with other people on things”). Even if they try to follow her example, how will they react when it doesn’t solve anything for them?
All of which assumes that humans aren’t like crabs in a bucket, more willing to see others fail than to celebrate and emulate their successes. No, best to change the subject from whatever issues she’s dealing with behind the scenes, and talk about more anodyne subjects like Pokémon and Mario than tackling one’s inner demons. That way, if she succeeds, no one need get jealous, and if she fails, no one need know.
I’m not sure what, if anything, I should be taking away from all that, but there it is. To be honest, honey, I think it may be too late for me to take any of it to heart; I’ve basically established my character already. So keep an eye on me, and wish me luck; I’m going to need it.
Letters to Rachel 