The Desire of Eve

Then God said to the woman, “I will ·cause you to… greatly desire [^Cthe word implies a desire to control] your husband, but he will rule over you.”

Genesis 3:16a, c, Expanded Bible

Dearest Rachel –

I hardly have to tell you that this is going to be (as it always has been) a touchy subject; people who read this are likely to get mad from either side of the aisle. So why write about it, then? Why not just stay away from the topic, and just talk about happy, non-controversial things?

Well… that’s a good question.

I think some of it has to do with the fact that, after the busyness of the past weekend, there’s less to actually talk about that’s happening around me. It’s time for me to go on about thoughts that cross my mind, as opposed to events that are happening all around me. There’s also the fact that my search for Megumi has rather stalled out at the moment, and I’m trying to figure out why. And, while I’m perfectly aware that this runs the risk of being a particularly… spicy… topic, well, the internet is full of folks who bite down on ghost peppers for their audience’s amusement. And since I’m addressing a ghost by definition, who better to do this sort of thing than me?

Don’t worry; I’ll try to keep things reasonably generic. I’ll not name names, and hope that you can figure out who it is I’m talking about, or if it even matters. If someone reading this thinks they recognize themselves in these descriptions, well, that’s on them – if they choose to put the shoes on when they fit, that’s up to them. For my own part, while I know who I have in mind for every reference, I’m pretty sure that, unless they become that integral part of my life that I’m looking for, I’ll not remember who, specifically, I was talking about in each instance if I were to re-read this letter in, say, another five years from now (assuming I’m still here and able to).

And with all that having been said, I’d best get the milk handy before I bite down…

***

It’s amusing that, on the male side of things, the ones who think they understand women and marriage are the guys who have either never been married or been married an absurd number of times (as if their multiple failures gives them any insight as to how to be successful). It’s not that the happily married are trying to keep some great secret – after all, they’re off the market; if they can add to a fellow fellow’s happiness, they would – but I think we’re the only ones smart enough to know that there really is no secret. Cookie-cutter solutions are for the Keebler elves; any advice I might give would be as hollow as the tree they live and work in.

Of course, with you gone, and me wishing for someone to fill your shoes (or at least, your side of the closet with hers), I’m back to being the one needing advice. My mention of the closet is an example of the situation; originally, you might recall that I resisted moving my stuff into it, as it was an acknowledgement both of your absence as well as that there wasn’t likely to be anyone but myself to use that space for an extended time to come, and I wasn’t ready to accept that. But at this point, I’ve gotten used to having my stuff sprawled across the bedroom, wherever room can be found for it. I don’t like the fact that I’ve grown accustomed to being alone, but I can’t deny that I’ve fallen victim to Parkinson’s Law.

I’ve insisted before, though, that I would be more than willing to give up a certain amount of autonomy in my life in order to share it with the right person. And while I see certain women who might be that right person, I have at times been dissuaded from one pursuit or another. “I know that type,” says a fellow who’s seen more than his fair share of Lockhorn-style marriages.

“She wants to be in control of her life,
And as a result, she won’t be a good wife.”

I thought this sounded like an overly harsh assessment, even when set to rhyme. But there is a certain scriptural basis to it, even on a macro level of observation.

***

What once upon a time were referred to as “the curse of Eve” were the various bodily functions having to do with conception and childbirth. The monthly pain and discomfort as the body recognizes there isn’t a second life to nourish within, and changes out the fluids; the intense (even mortal, back in the day) pain of bringing that life into the world; and everything in between. You might notice I’ve skipped over that in the opening quote, since ‘Megumi’ likely wouldn’t have to deal with those things; our mutual advanced age would likely preclude that sort of thing, between her menopause and my own long-ago surgery.

But there is a part of the curse that remains; she will still want to control things within the relationship… and yet, she’s been informed through her many-times-great-grandmother that that’s not how things are meant to work.

***

It’s another puzzling thing about human relationships; if we were meant to have one rule over the other within it, you might expect that one to demonstrate a certain marked superiority over the other. If man was meant to rule woman, he should be stronger (most likely, I suppose), smarter (uhh…), wiser (really?)… somehow worthy of his supposed superior role. But it isn’t necessarily so – indeed, it seems more often to not be so. So, it seems understandable that women would chafe at a supposedly subordinate role, when ‘their’ man is no better at making decisions than they are, and often worse. Why submit to that stupidity?

But there’s always a flip side to the concept. If men are given what appears to be an inordinate level of power in the relationship, then they have a commensurate level of responsibility that it thrives. You might recall our lead pastor’s wife describing the dynamic within her own marriage, “I bow to God, so that when He swings, I’ve ducked – He hits Scott.”

I’m not sure that women (or men, for that matter, which probably adds fuel to the fire) think about that connection between power and responsibility in a relationship these days. Then again, that may be because very few relationships (or men or women on an individual basis) consider themselves answerable to Someone higher than themselves. When it’s just ‘him’ and ‘her,’ and each of them is only wanting what is best for themselves, of course the relationship will struggle – and indeed, they really shouldn’t bother getting involved in one, if they’re only going to make a hash of it.

Not that they’re likely to realize that they will going into it; humans have this wonderful capacity for self-deception, as you know.

***

Now, what does this have to do with you and me, honey? Did we have the secret? Well, you already know what I think about whether there is ‘a’ secret. But maybe, we had a general idea. There were areas I deferred to you – indeed, the whole household was your domain, for the most part – and others where you would make suggestions, in which I would follow your lead. But for the most part, you seemed to be willing to let me take the lead where I would (and occasionally push me into the role where you thought I ought to do more). As much as I can attest that you were one-of-a-kind (just like everyone else… wait, what?), I do hope there are more like that out there to find.

There was more I was going to relate, but I wonder if that might not be something I can wait on for another day. Until then, keep an eye on me, honey, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.