Dearest Rachel –
There’s a fine line between insight and common sense. Frankly, I think the main difference between the two is that you haven’t heard the insight often enough before to know that, whatever it is you think you’ve just come up with, it really isn’t a new observation.
So it was for me this morning when I woke up with what I thought was a flash of insight, only to reflect upon it as I slowly acquired consciousness that it was just common sense. Then again, it could be argued that even “common sense” is a misnomer, as it doesn’t seem to be all that common these days.
So what is it that I momentarily thought I discovered? Well, it was a conclusion regarding why you and I worked so well together, and so many other combinations… don’t. The fact is, we were comfortable at each other’s side in any situation, in a way that so few others can be – and that’s what I need to find in Megumi (assuming, of course, that she exists). As time goes by, I’m coming more and more to the understanding that ours was, in fact, a very rare thing that both of us seemed to just luck into.
But we know better than that; luck isn’t really a thing, it’s just when God doesn’t bellow about His blessings to us from the heavens, and we have to figure out that He’s responsible for our good fortune.
***
Again, it all sounds like perfectly common sense; of course you want to find a life partner who you can be comfortable at their side in any situation. But the thing is, situations vary widely from day to day – even within the day. Finding a stable footing together throughout the marathon steeplechase that is life is harder than it sounds at first.
I guess this whole line of thought stems from the fact that I’ve made plans (yet again – more on that when the time comes) to head off to Anime Iowa this weekend, where I first came to the realization that, while I’d like to find someone who shared this particular interest, it wasn’t a pre-eminent concern compared to the need to find someone who shared my faith. Unfortunately, Otaku Nation isn’t exactly rife with believers; you’ll remember being questioned multiple times by multiple people about how the two of us managed to reconcile our Christian walk to being part of the anime fandom community. I still don’t think they’re as incompatible as all that, but I can see where certain folks on the outside might think otherwise. But it does illustrate how the two of us both agreed on that point, and how even something as simple as that wasn’t a common thing.
So there’s that; I need to find someone comfortable in a worship (and service) setting – and, let’s be honest, most likely within my own church, which I’m not likely to leave any time soon. With that criteria being elucidated, you’d think I’d do well to find someone within the church family.
Easily said; not so easily done. In a way, it’s still like chatting up a stranger, and the fact that there’s this ulterior motive behind it (that, since I’m aware of it, I assume that she would be as well). And if it falls through, what then? How to make a graceful exit? It would be uncomfortable to see each other regularly, week after week – admittedly, that’s the beauty of multiple services each weekend, but still…
Even more problematic are those friends you inadvertently willed to me. While we have that mutual friendship already baked in (which, we both used to agree, was foundational for building ours into the much more that it ultimately become), I dare say that if I tried to start anything, I’d give them whiplash from dealing with the sudden new dynamic. I’d be best off not trying, to be honest.
Besides, there’s more to the marital relationship (and that’s what I’m looking for here, after all) than just a shared faith. There are a lot of things, some of which might, from certain perspectives, be as incongruous with the Christian walk as one’s taste for anime. It’s one thing to stand next to each other in church; it’s something else entirely to lie next to each other in bed, staring into each other’s eyes. And there are the various shades of contact in between: holding hands, an arm around the shoulder or waist, or… well, you get the idea.
And both sides need to be comfortable with each other across the whole spectrum. That’s a tall order. Just as an example, while I don’t claim to be a particularly good judge of what women are thinking (I usually had to ask even you, when I thought I needed to know), I can sense enough that Grace is not the sort to be comfortable with touch at all. The last two times we’ve met, I didn’t feel right even shaking her hand as we parted, let alone hugging like we do with our friends at the end of a given night. As a result, I don’t think we’re a good fit (and let’s face it, if she’s spent thirty-five years of adulthood this averse to contact, I don’t see it changing now, or any time soon), and if it ultimately doesn’t work out, I don’t see myself getting too broken up about it.
But I tell you, honey, I’d really like to have those days back, somehow.
Anyway, just keep an eye on me, and wish me “luck” (yes, I know what I said earlier, and you know what I mean). I’m going to need it.
Letters to Rachel 