Incomplete Advice

Dearest Rachel –

Well, it’s been a while since I had a dream worth telling you about, so I suppose one was bound to come along sooner or later. I only wish that one, I had the time and foresight to respond in a thoughtful manner, and two, that I was able to finish without being so rudely interrupted by something such as being woken up. I’m sure I could have come up with better advice with a little more planning, and I’d have more to tell you about if I could have stayed asleep for the whole scene.

Then again, maybe I would have forgotten it had I stayed asleep long enough for it to play out. But I kind of doubt it, and here’s why…

You see, for whatever reason, I was in a situation where I was watching over a group of kids. Not something I’d generally allow to have happen, save in the most extreme of circumstances; nor is it something that another ought to entrust me with, for that matter. But you know how dreams are; they run on their own weird logic. Anyway, it wasn’t a terribly large group of kids, maybe about five or six. Then again, real life found me overwhelmed by four second-grade boys, so there’s that.

Anyway, one of the boys came up to me, and… you know, I don’t know how he addressed me in order to get my attention, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t start off with “Mr. Larson…?” But he was somehow trying to ask me for life advice, rather than just asking for something like whether he could go to the bathroom. Somehow instinctively knowing this (thus proving that my dream self has more innate intelligence than my real self – unless you count the fact that my mind is playing the whole script out in my head, so of course I’d know how to properly respond to anyone else in a dream I was having), I gave him my full attention. On the other hand, the question he had wasn’t anything I was prepared for, so maybe my theory about my mind scripting the whole thing is just a load of hooey.

“How do I get a girl to have sex with me?”

And if that question shocks you, especially coming from a six- or seven-year-old – which it should, don’t get me wrong – let me add that this isn’t how he put it. Those last four words were replaced by two, and the first of those two wasn’t one that ought to be said around kids, lest the get the wrong idea about them.

Indeed, it was at least point I, for whatever reason (I say that a lot when I’m telling you about my dreams, don’t I?), to release my own inner pedant. I explained where that particular word came from, and that it was related to certain Old German word meaning “to strike or to hit.” Oddly enough, going into etymology didn’t seem to bore the kid (as perhaps I was hoping); in fact, it was as if a light bulb went on over his head.

“Oh! That’s why my big brother always says ‘I’d hit that’ whenever he sees…” and I don’t recall if the kid dropped a name, or if he was just talking about any pretty girl that crossed his big brother’s line of sight. It really didn’t matter; what did matter is that he fully understood what the word he was using meant, and its context, rather than just parroting a words he’d heard all too often. I could feel myself palming my face at the situation I was in, trying to explain things to this random strange kid.

“Yes, well…” Weirdly enough, the one emotion I wasn’t feeling at this point – which you might think I ought to, considering I had somehow been drafted into giving the talk to this random child – was the embarrassment that’s almost a cliché for a parent to be going through as they do this for their children. Maybe it’s easier when it’s not your kid? It would explain a lot of what I’m told goes on in school these days. “Look, haven’t your folks taught you to ‘never hit a girl’?”

“Well, yeah…”

“Okay, yes. Fine. That’s good advice, especially at your age. I dare say, if you asked a girl to do that, she’d probably react as if you had hit her, and probably slug you back. And odds are, most folks are going to think you had that coming. I’d recommend holding off on approaching a girl like that until she’s ready. And you two know and like each other. Real well. Like, married well.”

“Oh… So, how do I get to that point?” It’s at this point that, while still not embarrassed, I was wondering why this kid was asking me, of all people. Bad enough I’m essentially a stranger – although the fact that he approached me might suggest otherwise, I certainly didn’t recognize him – but if he did know me, didn’t he know I was trying to figure this sort of thing out myself at this moment? I mean, I wouldn’t put it so crassly – I wouldn’t even put it the way I phrased it earlier in this letter – but I have to confess that it is one of the ultimate goals associated with finding Megumi, sure. The point is, I didn’t (and don’t) have any more clue about how to go about doing what he was asking than he did. So I’m precisely the wrong person to be looking to for advice.

But of course, before I could say that (and here, you’re probably thinking the dream is about to fade, since I complained about not being able to finish it. Oh, I should only be so lucky), he thought he had an idea. “Should I try one of those things you always see in the movies?”

Now, that wasn’t quite what he asked, either, but I don’t remember if he was talking about a specific scene from a specific movie, or what, so I’ll just use that generic description, and you can imagine your favorite grand romantic gesture from whatever cinematic offering you like. I hurried to shoot that down. “No! Don’t do that! Best case scenario, you’ll look pretty silly doing that, especially if she reacts badly to it – and your odds of that happening are better (or worse, I suppose) than you think. Worse case scenario, kid, the stuff you see in the movies that’s supposed to be so romantic and charming? Yeah, the property damage alone is likely to get you arrested, or worse. Seriously, leave the movie stuff on the screen.”

The problem with giving negative advice like that, though, is that it’s incumbent upon you to give some form of positive advice to substitute for this Very Bad Plan on the part of the person you’re advising. Unfortunately, before I could do so, that’s when the bubble popped, and I found myself lying in bed, wondering where that whole story came from… and what kind of trouble that kid is going to be in the distressingly near future.

Good thing he isn’t real… except he’s probably realistic enough to actually be very much like certain boys walking the earth even now.

Guess you’d better keep an eye on them this time, honey, but I don’t know if you should wish them luck. I think it’s the rest of us that need it.