Dearest Rachel –
I started this morning with a flurry of activity, at least as far as filling you in on the events of yesterday (or more accurately, one event in particular that was more out of the ordinary than most). After filling the page with over a thousand words of detail and opinion, I went over it, and realized to my dismay that I wouldn’t be able to publish it. Not that there’s anything salacious in what I had to say, but some opinions are best kept to oneself, as opposed to broadcasting them far and wide across the internet.
And that seems like such a shame, as far as I’m concerned.
Now, if it were just between me and you, I could speak my mind, and while you might not always agree with my perspective, you would be more than willing to hear me out without a problem. And if there was a difference of opinion between the two of us, you would always be able to gently explain your view of the situation. Even in cases where we basically saw eye-to-eye, you were still able to see and describe possible alternative interpretations, to dilute and diffuse my own dogmatic stance.
I miss those days, honey. It’s another reason I hope to find Megumi soon, and I hope she’s as smart, diplomatic and accepting as you were.
By contrast, the internet is, as a rule, more like myself, in terms of having its own opinions, and leagues beyond me when it comes to requiring persuasion. Collectively, it has its mind already made up about pretty much every subject – although its ‘mind,’ if you can call it that, borders on schizophrenic (and I realize that, strictly speaking, that’s not what that word means from a medically diagnostic perspective, but we all understand the context, so I’m going to go ahead and use it as such regardless. You know what I mean, or at least you will in a moment, and that should be sufficient). One group within the vast electronic hive is convinced of the righteousness of a certain cause, and the means used to promote said cause; whereas another group is equally convinced that this same cause is, at best, morally suspect, and those means all but evil, pushing the cause from a grey area into the black. But both sides are quite firm and unpersuadable in their beliefs, and woe unto anyone who tries to understand the situation from an outside perspective – or worse yet, tries to mediate a common ground between the two groups. This well-meaning but hapless individual is guaranteed to run afoul of at least one of these two bitter camps, and in the latter case, most likely infuriate both of them, leaving them in real trouble. Best to stay out of things, keep one’s head down, and say nothing, no matter how important or necessary it might be for these groups to find a peaceful solution.
And yet, I can’t bring myself to keep my opinions to myself, especially when talking to you. I knew I was safe when I spoke with you about things, and wish I could regain that situation again – oh, the things I could tell you! But I know where I am, so in telling you about yesterday’s events, I know that I have to watch my step. In fact, I’ve had to basically set it aside completely.
This isn’t how communication ought to be between spouses. We ought to be able to say basically anything; after all, how else will we be able to understand each other if we don’t hear from – and listen to – each other? But this medium is not that, nor will it ever be. This is a public expression of what would have been, in the past, private thoughts, and as such, there’s only so much that can be recorded for consumption.
But since I’ve written so much already (despite having to discard most of it) this morning, I think I’m going to sign off at this point. There’s not a whole lot more I can say, honey, apart from asking you as usual to keep an eye on me, and wish me luck; I’m going to need it.
Letters to Rachel 