Waking Up to Reality

Dearest Rachel –

I suppose today is one more reminder that I made the right decision in going straight home, rather than negotiate a day or two extra in Tokyo. I probably should also be grateful for the fact that my body managed to hold it together until we were just about on our way out. It leaves me somewhat concerned about how next year’s trip is going to go, but as Dad has pointed out to me, it will have longer periods of downtime; we won’t be at a port every single day like we had this time around, and that may be literally all the difference in the world.

Still, I expected this morning to go to the same as yesterday; after waking up at two and four, and again at five-thirty (admittedly, that last one was new), I expected to finally be able to crash and wake up sometime between nine and ten, like I did the previous morning. Perhaps I didn’t account for the fact that I went to bed at midnight rather than ten, or that I was trying to sweat out my fever, but when I finally fell asleep, that sleep was longer and harder than I’d anticipated.

You’re welcome to make whatever jokes you feel like about that line, honey, but the reality of what I mean by it is that, when I finally looked at the clock upon waking up, it was already half past one. I’d slept through the entire morning.

Well… technically, I hadn’t been asleep until the morning was nearly half over, but I’d been making an effort essentially since it began. So that ought to count for something.

And as for that part of the morning where I wasn’t able to fall asleep (or at least stay there), I’m sure you could guess that my brain was busy working on this or that trivial thing in those interim hours. You would be quite right. I probably crafted two, or maybe three letters to you in my head while trying to force myself from consciousness. None of which could be published; leaving aside the fact that I committed nothing to text (that level of committed activity would have guaranteed wakefulness; while it could have easily been done, that would have been the exact opposite of what I was trying to accomplish), they were basically fanfiction about people I hadn’t seen or heard from while I was out of the country. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but some things – even simple heartfelt assessments – aren’t meant for public consumption.

I really have to see and talk with the girls soon, to disabuse myself of these ideas (or confirm them, possibly – either way, certain things ought not to be said about others in such a forum as this).

No, you might argue that I’ve been doing this with you ever since I started writing you here. And that’s a fair accusation; my image of you, especially as time goes by, since your departure, is probably less and less the way you really were. I’ve burnished the parts that I loved about you, and smoothed away some of the rougher parts. But I would still protest that I’ve done my best to remember you as you were, and I hope that I haven’t rendered you unrecognizable in my memories of you. It’s another reason to get back together with the girls; they have their own images and remembrances of you, and can keep me a little more grounded in reality, about you as much as about themselves.

In any event, it’s what I need to wake up to, even if it means that I’m waking up to it at half past one. For now, it beats not waking up at all.

But speaking of reality, I still have bills that need to be paid and sent off, so I’m going to have to let you go for now. There’s not nearly as much to talk with you about, now that I’m back here, at home, but I promise to keep in touch. Until then, honey, keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. I’m going to need it.