Dearest Rachel –
I was on my way to work the other day, listening to whatever tunes the algorithm on my phone decides to play, when it came across this old song which I’d never heard before, but which seems a first blush like a fair question for one member of a couple to ask the other, especially in this day and age of ‘hookup’ culture:
Or does it? While her description of herself as a toy – something to be played with a couple of times and discarded – is certainly a fate to be avoided, such a definition would have been utterly alien to you, if you were to give those lyrics a moment’s thought.
Because that’s not how you treated your playthings, or your playmates. And I realize, coming from someone like me (both in terms of being a man, as well as being your man), that latter term has certain… licentious… connotations (Playboy magazine, anyone?), but hear me out.
You were the epitome of loyalty to your friends, for one thing. When Jan and I were cleaning the house, we came across a transcript of a phone message left by one who you tried to mentor, and it was absolutely vicious and hurtful. To be honest, I encouraged you many times to cut her off when she seemed to want nothing to do with you. But you stuck with her, always trying to reconcile with her whenever she would fly off the handle. She was even one of those who you asked to bequeath to, and I honored your request to the best of my ability (I’ve no idea if she received it, as I got no reply from her, but the message wasn’t returned, either, so I have to assume it reached its destination).
Similarly, one of those who did respond told me of a story early on in our marriage. Apparently, we had let a salesperson into our home while she was over visiting us (and by this description alone, you probably know who I’m talking about), as we were never able to just refuse and shut the door on anyone. But somewhere along the way, said salesperson realized that she was the single friend of a family with a new baby, and observed that she was eventually likely to fade out of our circle because of Daniel. At that moment, you shut down the sales pitch, and with a few uncharacteristically tart remarks (her words), sent the salesperson on their way. You were not about to let go of your friends, and anyone who said otherwise was not to be listened to, let alone patronized commercially.
None of this comes as any surprise. You treasured every toy, every possession. It’s why you couldn’t clean the house; everything had a value that prevented you from discarding it. Those that were more troublesome were just that much more proof that they needed you, such as Chompers. You gave your things humanity, and treated them like people – and the people in your life received the same level of loyalty.
Granted, most of us were not necessarily treated like treasures, but when you think about it, who would want to be? If considering someone to be nothing but a toy is objectifying them, is considering them a ‘treasure’ really any better? With a priceless memento, all you do with it is to find an honored place in the house to display it, set it there… and never touch it again, save for dusting it every now and then. For you, toys were meant to be played with, and likewise with people. As far as you were concerned, others were meant to spend time with, to do things together. If you concerned yourself with breakage (be it yourself or others), you wouldn’t be able to have the relationship in the first place.
You may have treated us as your toys, but that just meant that we got to play with you forever; you weren’t about to discard us, any more than you would have ever thrown away any of your old toys. If this question were posed, you would have taken a middle path, and claimed us – and me in particular – as treasured toys.
***
But of course, the question here is being posed by the woman to the man; this question is more for me to answer, rather than you. Could I respond the way you would have? It’s not as if I kept many of my old toys the way you did (and in some respect, I had more collections than toys, as I recall – not something that would be analogous in this situation, nor would it be desirable to be, from your perspective).
I really don’t have any answer to that question, apart from available evidence. I know that, when we said ‘yes’ to each other, I did not try to predict the future, but now that it’s in the past, I leave it to you to draw what conclusions you will. I never sought another; I never had to. Indeed, I’m having terrible difficulty even now trying to find someone else, because it’s a challenge to find someone who measures up (and those who might don’t seem to be interested, more’s the pity). If I had to work with the analogy in question – and what I might have (and still do, kind of) considered a ‘toy’ – I would probably compare you to a computer that ran everything I wanted it to; what need have I to swap platforms?
***
I don’t write you enough love letters, honey; I thought these would be mostly that, but it turns out, the present takes up more of my attention than the past. I find myself telling you about what’s happening (or about to happen) than thanking you for what passed between us in the past.
It’s probably appropriate that an old song like this (even if it’s one that was never ‘ours,’ and you likely never heard) should lead me to reminisce about your deep loyalty to your friends – and to me as your closest friend. Even if I were to find Megumi, she’ll likely never be as close to me as you were (if only for the fact that she wouldn’t have as much of my time). I’d like to think that I could give her as much loyalty as I gave you, but that all depends on whether or not she exists and would be willing to find out.
But I think the question here is a false dilemma; one should want to be a cherished plaything, rather than an otherwise ignored keepsake. Like the Velveteen Rabbit (whose story, as you brought it to my attention, could even get me to cry), that’s how people become real to us.
Anyway, keep an eye on me, honey, and wish me luck. I do believe I’m going to need it.
Letters to Rachel 