The Pull of Responsibility

Dearest Rachel –

While you spent much of your life trying to maintain a certain level of childhood (and fairly successfully, I might add – certainly in comparison to myself or nearly anyone else we knew), there are certain aspects of that station in life that leave one longing for the joys of the imagined future. A lifetime of having to each the ‘proper’ foods before being allowed to indulge in sweet or savory smacks, having to go to bed at a ‘reasonable’ hour rather than staying up to catch the late-night horror flick – these are the things that chafe in the childlike mind, leaving us almost universally dreaming of adulthood, and all the freedom we will have to actually do what we want to at last.

It’s why, thirty years later, after literally graduating into that state of adulthood, you found yourself dragging yourself off to bed quite often at three in the morning, after having fallen asleep (admittedly, completely against your will) on our couch, Daniel’s bed (thus training him to be as much the night owl as you, and even more so, as he was conditioned to deal with it), while I’m having to dress myself as a pumpkin rather than go about in an unflattering morphsuit today at the family fall festival. Freedom comes at a price, whether the blood and treasure a nation spend in obtaining its freedom, or the physical toll of exercising our own individual freedoms.

And so, it might have amused you to have seen me yesterday, chowing down on half a bag of lettuce at four o’clock for my ‘dinner’ (although just the fact that I can eat lettuce is the topic of another discussion I’ve touched on in the past, and probably could go into further detail someday – but not now) – granted, it was covered in cheese and baked pita chips, so don’t think I was being all that virtuous – and, after bringing Daniel home his dinner after helping set up various stations at the funfair (including blowing up and tying my first balloons! I still don’t know how I managed that, though), bidding the boys good night, and crawling into bed before nine. To be sure, I may have had the lights – and definitely the television/YouTube – on until ten, but my eyes were closed before then, for the most part.

It’s not that I’m actually trying to do the responsible thing, mind you – my body just keeps telling me that I need to do this or that, rather than the things I can do, now that I’m in charge of myself, and would have killed to do as a child (well, not literally). It was actually alarming to discover, as I was pouring candy from various bags into the buckets meant for each game station, to be handed out to the kids as they play this or that game, that very little of what I was pouring out even appealed to me at that moment. In fact, as I could smell the fake milk, chocolate, I sensed myself growing ever so slightly nauseous at the overpowering scent. It was the weirdest realization.

I don’t know if it’s the pull of responsibility, or if it’s just a fact of life I’m growing older. But it’s weird that, just when I’m able to indulge in all the things I may have wanted to as a kid, I no longer have any interest in them. I wonder why that is? Could this be one of the many answers to life that you’re given once you’re on the other side like you are, or does it just cease to be that important when you get there?

***

For what it’s worth, though, you would’ve been impressed by the kids this year. It may be simply because the festival was being held earlier in the day this year. Apparently, having it start around noon and go on until two or three cuts into the little ones’ nap time – what kid still naps these days? – so this year, it went from nine until noon, in order to cater to these littlest ones.

Granted, this meant I was left with a lot of suckers at the end of the day, but I made a point of distributing plenty of other candy. I will say that I was under orders to end. Maddie, who was running the show at our campus, insisted on clearing out our stockpile of donations, because “otherwise, I have to take it all home, and I don’t wanna do that.”

It seems that I’m not the only one who’s not keen on certain freedoms of adulthood.

Anyway, that’s been my morning. Hope yours has been going well, too – although, do mornings or evenings even exist where you are? Keep an eye on me, and wish me luck. There are so many reasons why I still need it.